


the funeral crasher

by expiredlove



Category: Amazingphil - Fandom, Dan Howell - Fandom, Danisnotonfire - Fandom, Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF), Phil Lester - Fandom
Genre: AU, Alone, Alternate Universe, Angst, Cute, Dark, Death, Family, Fear, Fluff, Fluffy, Friendship, Funeral, Funerals, Heartbreak, Loneliness, Love, M/M, Minor Character Death, Moving, Moving On, Sad, Sadness, dead, heartbroken, houses, lonely, soft, triggering
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-12-07
Updated: 2018-07-20
Packaged: 2018-09-07 04:04:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 32
Words: 43,400
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8782198
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/expiredlove/pseuds/expiredlove
Summary: Phil Lester spends his gap year unlike any other people. Drinking and partying don't seem to appeal to him. Instead of doing that, he crashes funerals because they make him feel a little bit less alone. One day he happens to meet a grieving and sad Dan at one of those burials and the two of them connect on a deep emotional level. A long road of acceptance, growth and relearning to open up their hearts to love ensues.





	1. -1-

Phil Lester had always been a strange child.

When his mother gave birth to him and the nurse handed her her newborn baby, the first thing she noticed were his bright blue eyes. They stared into hers and it was such an amazing moment. But there was something the doctor didn't understand, the young boy didn't cry. He didn't make a sound, he just stared into his mother's eyes. Her husband seemed to notice it too. Something wasn't right about this boy.

When Phil was three years old, his mother really regretted ever wanting a second child. Martyn was such a sweet and funny boy, but her other son wasn't. He was strange. The boy wouldn't eat if the room wasn't pitch black and someone else was feeding him. And while little Martyn sat in front of the tv, watching Pokemon, Phil would sit in front of the washing machine. He put his teddy bears in the washing machine and watched them drown. He'd sit there for hours, just staring at them as the machine filled itself with water. 

Six year old Phil was even harder to handle for the strange boy's parents. He'd stand in front of his poor, already stressed mother and watched her sleep. His face was only inches away from hers, and when she woke up in the middle of the night the first thing she saw were her son's bright blue orbs, staring right into hers. He didn't say anything and his face showed no emotion. It was truly scary.

At age nine, everything became even worse when Phil started talking to his own shadow, which was the last straw. His mother couldn't handle it anymore. Her child was crazy, how was she supposed to care for him? She thought he belonged in an asylum, he needed special care, because she just couldn't do it anymore. She talked about it with her mother, Phil's grandmother, but she told her not to do it. Phil's grandmother cared deeply about her grandson. She knew he was kind of strange, but she also knew that the boy was just different. He wasn't like the others and that was exactly what she liked about him.

Unfortunately, when Phil was 12 years old, she died. She was very old and sick.

And that was the first funeral Phil ever attended.

The day of the funeral his mother had told him to put on a small, black suit she had bought for him. Martyn was wearing a suit similar to his, but with a tie instead of a black bowtie like the one Phil was wearing. He wondered why they were all wearing such dark colours. Phil prefered bright colours, but he just went with it. He had never been to a funeral before, so he didn't really know what was going to happen. He was sad that his grandmother had died, but deep inside he was kind of excited for the funeral.

So the Lester family got into their car and drove to the funeral parlor. There weren't many people there, but the people who had already arrived were wearing black clothes and had dark bags underneath their eyes. 

A few hours later the ceremony began. Phil sat there, front row, and his mother was holding both his and his brother's hand. She was crying. Phil gave her hand a soft squeeze and smiled at his mother. She looked at him, but she didn't smile back.

Phil didn't really care, he just turned around and watched everybody that was sitting in the hall. Some of them were crying, others were frowning, but all of them were mourning. He loved his grandmother. He knew that she truly loved him and cared about him. He felt more loved by her than by his own mother and father. But now his Grandma was gone. 

Sad music started playing and Phil closed his eyes. He had always liked sad songs. Happy songs made him feel depressed, because he wasn't happy. Sad songs made him feel like he wasn't alone, like he wasn't crazy. He had overheard his parents talking about him. They always called him crazy, but he wasn't. He was just misunderstood and different.

After a while everybody stood up and his brother pulled on his sleeve. 

"Come," He whispered, "We have to walk to the front."

So that's what they did. Phil took a glance into the coffin and saw the lifeless body of his grandmother. Her skin was pale, almost as pale as Phil's skin. When his mother told him it was time to go, he whispered a soft, "Goodbye, Grandma." and he turned around. He would never see her again, and somehow that didn't make him feel as sad as he thought it would, because in this moment he felt kind of happy. He felt like he belonged. He felt like he had finally found a home, because he was surrounded by people who felt the way he felt; sad.


	2. -2-

When Philip Lester had reached the age of fifteen, he attended another funeral. He was older now and knew more about the cruel world he lived in. He also knew that death was inevitable and that you could die at any moment. You could die today. You could have a stroke or you could get hit by a car, you can't do anything about it. Phil didn't fear death, because he knew he's going to die anyway. He wouldn't really care if he died today, because nobody would really care if he died. They would be sad for a week or so, but they would get over it.

But when the best friend of Phil's mother, Lucia, died, his mother was heartbroken. They had been best friends for years and now she's gone. She commited suicide, because she was a very unhappy person. Her husband cheated on her all the time and she had been depressed for years.

But now she's dead and there's nothing Phil's mother can do about it. Phil heard how she cried herself to sleep at night and sometimes he'd hear her scream at the top of her lungs. She'd shout things like, "I should have knocked some sense into him. She's gone because of him." But that wasn't true. Phil was only fifteen, but he knew Lucia had been depressed for years. He had slept over at her house a few times when his mother was away for the weekend. He had seen all the antidepressants and cigarettes in her drawers. He had seen the way she drank a whole bottle of wine that night he stayed at her place. She wasn't okay. He had walked up to her and asked her if she was sad, but she just shrugged her shoulders.

"You know, boy," She had said, "Life isn't good. This world is cruel. People only pretend to love you and care about you. They promise you they'll always be there for you, but in the end all you'll have is yourself. People are selfish and they're just saying things to make themselves feel less guilty and bad about themselves."

And somehow Phil understood what she meant. He was only ten years old, but he knew how the sad eyed woman felt, so he hugged her tightly, and she gave him a sad smile in return. 

 

That was one of the last times he had spoken to her, because she didn't really leave her house in the last few years of her life. His mother visited her a lot, but it wasn't enough. The woman was already too far gone, she had already planned her death.

And now, five years after their long talk, Phil was standing next to her grave. He was wearing a black suit with a grey tie. His black dress shoes were stained from the short walk from the funeral parlor to the graveyard, but he didn't really care.

He stood next to his mother and let her lean her head onto his shoulder. She was sobbing loudly, but Phil didn't shed a tear. He was alright with it. It wasn't like he didn't care she died at all, but he knew she was unhappy and didn't want to live anymore. He knew it would have been worse for her to live in pain and misery. 

After the ceremony, the teenager kneeled down next to the grave and placed his hand on the tombstone. He whispered a soft, "Goodbye," and "I'll never forget what you said." and turned around. He walked around the cemetery and watched as all the people who were dressed in black entered the small chapel. Phil didn't want to come with them. He just wanted to look around and learn more about the people who were buried here. Did they die at an old age? Did people still visist them or did people forget about them after a few years? What were their stories? He was curious, so he walked around and read some of the words that were engraved in the tombstones. Some people may find graveyards eery, but Phil was intrigued by them.

Wasn't it strange that humans buried or burned the bodies of their loved ones?

Phil thought it was, but he also found it interesting.

After an hour or so his mother walked up to him. 

"Where have you been?!" She asked him, her eyebrows were furrowed. She seemed annoyed.

"I was right here." He answered.

A deep sigh escaped his mother's lips. "Why would you spend an hour, just staring at graves? What's wrong with you, Philip? Why aren't you like all the other teenagers? You're not supposed to like graveyards. Kids your age hang out with friends and fall in love for the first time, but all you do is sit in your room and now you decide to spend your time at a graveyard?"

Phil didn't know how he was supposed to feel anymore. His mother's words hurt a lot, but he was kind of used to it. He knew he didn't have any friends, but that was his own decision. He didn't like talking to people who didn't want to listen to him anyway. He prefered to just listen to music and stare at the clouds and stars.

He was different, but that wasn't necessarily a wrong thing. It just really upset him that his mother didn't even try to understand what was going on inside her son's head.


	3. -3-

Sixteen year old Phil wasn't like any of the other boys his age. Phil wasn't interested in girls or house parties. He couldn't care less about his reputation and he didn't seem to care about the latest trends either. He didn't waste his time taking pictures of the coffee he ordered at Starbucks or posting depressing statuses on Facebook.

Phil wasn't like any of the others. He was a misfit, but he didn't care at all. While others had to buy new clothes every other week, because the clothes they owned weren't popular anymore, Phil wore his timeless ripped jeans and combat boots. He loved to wear white shirts and long, black coats. He loved being different. 

But when Phil asked his mother if he could dye his hair, she just stuck up her nose and spatted, "No. You will not dye your hair black. You're not some kind of emo, so don't even think about it."

She should have known Phil would do it anyway. He didn't listen to anyone, he did whatever he wanted to do. So he dyed his ginger hair black, to match his clothes. 

People thought he was even weirder now. They were scared of him, but they had no reason to be. Phil wasn't a bad guy, he just liked to look different. He wouldn't hurt a fly, but sadly people always judge a book by its cover, whether they like to admit it or not.

Phil was alone, but he wasn't lonely. He loved being on his own and he loved doing things by himself. He loved the silence of his room, but he also enjoyed singing along to Bring Me The Horizon. He also loved to read books and to educate himself. That was the only thing his mother admired about him, the fact that he cared about his education. Phil never skipped class and he always did his homework. He wasn't some kind of giant nerd, but he was grateful for the fact that he was able to go to school and learn something new every day, so that's what he did.

And one day, when he was enjoying his cup of coffee on sunday morning, his eye fell on a short article in the corner of the page of the local newspaper. It was a death notice. Phil's eyes scanned over the texts and he was curious. He hadn't been to a funeral in over a year and he was kind of grateful he didn't have to go to another funeral, because he didn't want anyone close to him to die, but curiosity got the best of him. He decided to put on his black combat boots and coat and closed the front door with a soft thud. He put his hands in his pockets as the cold november air hit his pale skin. It was only morning, which meant it was still pretty cold. He cursed himself for not bringing his gloves, but he forced himself to keep walking. He wanted to visit the graveyard again, just to see what his grandmother's grave looked like now. He hadn't visited it in years, but now he felt like he was ready to face the fact that she really wasn't there anymore.

The crushing of grass was the only thing that could be heard as Phil slowly but firmly walked down the cemetery, towards his grandmother's grave. When he was there, he squatted down next to the tombstone. Her name was engraved in it and Phil smiled a little as he traced the letters of her name. He remembered every single detail about his grandma. She was such a sweet woman and even though she died when Phil was very young, he knew she'd cared deeply about him. He was her favourite grandson. Phil didn't understand why, because everyone always seemed to like his brother, Martyn, a lot more than him, but his grandma didn't. She always put him on the kitchen counter and she'd give him cookies while she cooked dinner and she would play games with Phil. Not the boring games like tag, but the games Phil invented. He was such a creative and special little boy and his grandma was fully aware of that. 

Unfortunately Phil's mother didn't appreciate the fact that her son liked playing with his imaginary friends or by himself better than playing outside with all the boys in the neighbourhood. She didn't understand why her son acted this way and she used to blame herself for all of it. She thought she didn't raise him well, but after a few years she realized that wasn't the case, because Martyn was 100% normal. She decided to put the blame on her son, who was only a kid. But in her eyes he deserved it. He was crazy.

Tears streamed down Phil's cheeks, but he immediately wiped them away. He didn't want to cry about the things his mother had said and done, she didn't deserve his tears. She didn't understand him or what was going through his head. His grandmother didn't understand him either, but at least she tried to, and she accepted him for who he was.

But his mother was like everybody else. The people in this town were judgmental and cruel.

Phil jumped when he suddenly heard the bells of the chapel. There was a funeral. His first instinct was to walk away before everybody saw him, but he didn't. He decided to do the opposite thing, he walked towards the crowd and entered the chapel, along with the other people he had never seen before. He wondered who they were and who they were here for. What were their stories? Who had died? Were they hurting right now, or were they here to support someone else?

The black haired boy decided to sit down on a chair at the back of the chapel, because he didn't want people to realize he wasn't one of them. He usually stood out of the crowd, because of his dark coloured clothes and hair and his extremely pale skin, but here nobody seemed to notice he wasn't here for the funeral. Everybody was wearing black and everybody was sad; he felt like he belonged here. This was the very first time in his life that he was part of something. He belonged somewhere.


	4. -4-

Phil wrapped his cold hands around a warm cup of coffee. He was standing in an auditorium, filled with mourning people. The family of the deceased handed out cups of coffee and pieces of cake and of course he tried to avoid them. He tried to fit in with the crowd and sometimes he talked to some friends of the deceased for a while and Phil came up with stories about how he met the person who had died. It had become something he was very good at, he knew exactly how to respond to certain questions now, he had had enough practice. This was the 24th funeral Phil attended, it had become a routine now. Funerals were something he enjoyed. It started as a fascination for the ceremonies and the way people dealt with their pain, but after he attended a few more funerals it became something he enjoyed. Some people like to go to concerts, others like to go to themeparks, but Phil Lester enjoyed going to burials.

Every saturday morning he would make himself a cup of tea and sit on the couch. He'd just read the newspaper, but he always saved the best part for last; The death notices. He cut them out of the newspaper and glued them onto a page of his self made notebook of memories. Every time he attended a funeral he wrote something next to the death notice. He wrote some of his favourite stories that he heard about the deceased down in his notebook and sometimes he wrote about things that stood out to him at the funeral. It was something he did for fun.

It wasn't like Phil enjoyed looking at corpses and he didn't enjoy seeing people who were in pain either, but it was something about the darkness and atmosphere at funerals that attracted him. The stories people would tell about their loved one, the songs that they would play and the way people reacted to death, which was inevitable, intrigued the 18 year old boy. 

On this particular saturday morning, the obituary he picked was for a man who had died at a fairly young age. Phil was curious as to see who this man was and he wondered how this man had died.

He had just finished putting the death notice in his notebook when someone knocked on his door.

"Come in!" Phil said, and just as he expected his mother walked into his room.

"Phil," She started and sighed. "I think it's time you leave the house." She bit her lip and looked down at her hands, which were folded in her lap.

Phil looked up with a shocked expression. "Why?" He asked. His voice was filled with curiosity and emotion, this was a very unexpected anouncement.

Phil's mother looked up at him and let out another frustrated sigh. "Because, Phil, you're nothing but trouble. Just look at you. Look what you've done to yourself. You're isolating yourself and you're scaring everybody who wanted to be friends with you or talk to you away by dressing this way. Everybody gives you strange looks and people keep asking me if there's something wrong with you and I just-"

"No." Phil spoke calmly. "This isn't about me, mum. This is about you. You just said it yourself. People are asking you if there's something wrong with me and you don't want to answer that question, because the way people think about me changes the way people think about you. I ruined your reputation, didn't I? You can put the blame on me, but I'm your son. You should care more about me than about what they think, right? If you didn't want any of this to happen you shouldn't have decided to get another child."

Phil's mother looked angry now. She clenched her fists and took another step towards her son. "Stop it. I wanted another child after Martyn, I was sure about that. He was such a sweet boy and he never harmed anyone, but look at you. You're not like him at all, you're not like any of the people in this neighbourhood. You're crazy."

Phil had had enough of her behaviour and slammed his fist on his desk. He wasn't a violent person at all and as much as he wanted to punch his mother for saying the things she said to her own son, he didn't. He wasn't like her, he wasn't a bad person and he certainly wasn't crazy. Phil took a deep breath and spoke, "Fine. I'll leave. This house doesn't feel like home anyway, I don't want to be here anymore." His voice cracked at the end, he just felt so defeated and alone. Nobody understood him and this made everything even worse.

Life couldn't get any worse at this point.


	5. -5-

Mrs Lester wanted her son to move out, so that's why Phil spent the rest of the week looking for an apartment. His mother wanted him gone as soon as possible, but at least she gave him some time to find a decent apartment and she also gave him all the money she had saved for his education and even a little bit more, so he would be able to live somewhere and to eat, of course. She may dislike her child, but she wasn't a cruel person. She still wanted her son to be healthy and ok.

When wednesday rolled around, Phil was absolutely exhausted. He had visited four apartments already, but none of them felt like home to him. He didn't want to live in any of them, so he had to look for other apartments. He sighed deeply as he walked down the street, he just wanted to go home. When he passed the chapel near the graveyard, he heard bells. At first he was a little bit confused, but then he realized that today was the day when the man who had died at a pretty young age would be buried. He looked up at the chapel and saw some men in suits walking towards the chapel. Phil decided to follow them, because he had planned to attend this funeral anyway and it wouldn't hurt to be around some other people who felt sad. They may have been sad because of different reasons, but at least Phil didn't have to put on a fake smile. He could frown and maybe even cry and people wouldn't give him strange or pitiful looks.

Phil looked down at his clothes. He was wearing black skinny jeans, his long black jacket and his favourite pair of combat boots. Would it be acceptable to wear this outfit to a funeral? Phil just shrugged his shoulders and walked into the chapel. He sat down on a seat near the back and tried to act as normal as possible. Not that it really mattered, because what was normal behaviour at a funeral?

After a while, the doors closed and a short, chubby man started speaking. He was an eulogist. Phil wasn't really interested in what he said, he was more interested in the way the people around him looked and acted. Some of them were already crying, others wrapped their arms around their mourning family members and some people just sat quietly, trying to hold back their tears.

Phil looked up when someone cleared their throat. It was a tall boy with brown hair. He looked about 17 years old and he cleared his throat again. Phil wondered who this boy was. He looked so nervous and he put his shaking hands in the pockets of his black jacket. His jacket wasn't the only item of his outfit that was black, because literally every single piece of clothing he wore was black. He looked down to the ground and then back at a woman who was sat on a chair at the front of the room. A young, brown haired boy clung to her body and she was shaking a lot herself, but she managed to give the boy who was giving her desperate looks a thumbs up anyway. The boy who was dressed in black finally spoke up.

"Ehm... Okay. So, my father is dead." A long silence fell after those words, and Phil frowned. He had never heard someone at a funeral reception talk like that. Usually all they would say in their speeches was, "they didn't deserve to die" or "heaven gained another angel", so this was new to Phil. He sat up straight and listened to what else the brown haired boy had to say.

"It's weird to say it out loud. It just feels so surreal... I never imagined my dad would die at such a young age. I know a lot of people cared about my father and that makes me happy, but I don't think anybody loved him as much as I did. My dad did everything to make me and my brother happy. He bought us presents, he made sure we had a good childhood and he gave us enough attention, but he also made sure we were able to take care of ourselves. He taught me how to cook, how to replace a tire, how to use the washing machine and how to deal with bullies. He helped me, but he got taken away way too soon." The boy cleared his throat again and clenched his fists. He bit his lip and spoke, "Why is it that bad things always happen to good people? He shouldn't have died. It should have been someone else, hell, it should have been me!"

People in the crowd gasped and the boy stomped his foot on the ground and dropped the microphone. He cursed and turned towards the coffin. He kneeled down next to his father's body and took the cold hand of the man that raised him in his. Suddenly the room was filled with loud cries and the funeral director walked up the steps again. He put his hand on the boy's back and said, "Thank you, Daniel. Please go sit down. Now it's Wendy's turn to say something."

People gave the crying boy who was helped down the steps looks of pity. Phil hated when people did that, but he couldn't help but notice he also felt sorry for the boy. He never really felt sorry for people, but this was different. The boy just looked so hurt and sad, it also hurt Phil. His heart shattered at the sight of him breaking down next to his dead father.

The funeral continued and at the end Phil decided to get a piece of cake at the reception. Just as he was about to take a bite from his piece, someone tapped on his shoulder. Phil turned around and recognized the boy from before. Phil's eyes widened, he usually avoided the family members of the deceased, because they would know he had crashed the funeral of their loved one. They knew he didn't belong there, but it was too late to get away now.

"Hello." They boy spoke. "Did you know my father well? I've never seen you before."

Phil nervously bit his lip and tried to come up with an excuse or a lie, but he couldn't. This boy was studying him intensly and it made Phil nervous.

"Err, hi. My condolences. And I didn't know him very well... I, ehm..." Phil stumbled.

The brown haired boy frowned at him. "Then who exactly are you?"

"Phil." Phil answered, there was no reason to lie about his name. He wasn't a liar.

The boy raised his eyebrows and clicked his fingers. "I know you." He said. "You're Phil, that dude who always crashes funerals. The one with the black fringe and the dark clothes. People talk about you, you know, but I've never seen you before."

Phil suddenly got even more nervous. He hated when people called him 'the funeral crasher'. He wasn't a funeral crasher, he was just someone who enjoyed burials, nothing more than that. He decided to just nod.

"What's wrong?" The boy whose eyes were red from all the crying he had done asked.

Phil realized he was trembling and tried to come up with an excuse. "Nothing, ehm, I gotta go. Bye." He said and ran out of the building. He had completely squeezed his piece of cake, but he wasn't hungry anymore, so it didn't matter.

Never in his 18 years on this planet had he felt this nervous. Someone recognized him, he got caught and he felt judged. He felt like he had done something wrong. His safe place just became something he felt like he should be ashamed of.


	6. -6-

Phil Lester couldn't stop thinking about yesterday's funeral. Everything about it seemed a bit off and he didn't know what to write in his Book of Memories. He just couldn't process what had happened the day before. The funeral had been fairly normal, but that boy, Daniel, really stood out to him. The words he had spoken were odd. The boy said that his father didn't deserve anything that had happened to him, which was something basically everybody said in their speech, but Daniel said something that didn't feel quite right to Phil. Daniel said he should have been the one who died, that it should have been his lifeless body in that coffin. 

Now, that was something that Phil couldn't get out of his head. 

He was sat at his desk, a warm cup of coffee clutched tightly in one of his hands and a pen in the other, just like every week. The only difference was that no words were put on paper that day. Usually he wrote about all the things that stood out to him at the funeral, but he couldn't form words out of all the millions of thoughts he had about this certain burial. This had never happened to him before. 

And it wasn't just the fact that the boy basically admitted he wanted to die, he recognized Phil. He had heard about him. Phil panicked when he came to the realization that he got caught, so he ran away. He shouldn't have done that, but all he wanted in that moment was to get out of there. He wanted the ground to swallow him up, so he escaped. That was all he ever did, run. 

These thoughts weren't helping him relax at all, so he decided to go for a walk to clear his head. He grabbed his coat from the coat hanger and put his outworn boots on his feet. This time he didn't forget his gloves and he walked out of the door. 

The cold winter air hit his cheeks and they turned a rosy colour. He didn't particularly like the cold, but it could be worse, so he just put his gloved hands in the pockets of his jacket and picked up his pace. He didn't have a destination in mind, but eventually he ended up at the park and he found himself sitting on one of the swings. His legs dangled as he slowly swung. 

So much was going on in his life at the moment, he didn't know what to do anymore. As if the thoughts about that strange funeral weren't enough, he started thinking about the fact that his mother was going to kick him out. He needed to find a new apartment and it was urgent. He knew he could prolong his stay at his house for a little while longer, but he needed to get out of there.

He only realized he had been sitting on that swing for an hour and a half after his phone had vibrated and he had checked the time. It was a text from his mother, she was asking him if he would be home for dinner. Typical. It was literally the only thing she ever asked him.

Phil decided to reply anyway, so he took off his gloves with great difficulty. His fingers had turned completely red and they stung because of the cold. How had he not noticed that before?

He sent her a quick, one worded reply, just to let her know he would be home by 7 to eat dinner. It was only 4:30pm now, which meant he had plenty of time for himself. He needed it, he needed more time to think. He decided to get up though, because his body couldn't handle the cold temperature anymore. 

He decided to get a coffee at a cafe nearby. He used to visit that cafe quite frequently, but eventually he stopped doing that. He stopped doing a lot of the things he used to do, he basically created a whole new life for himself. He broke his old routines and started all over again. Today was an exception, he needed some caffeine in his system and the hot drink would warm him up a bit again, which was definitely what he needed.

He sat down at a table in the corner, next to the window. It wasn't like you could really see anything because of the heavy condensation, but Phil prefered to sit next to a window. He was on his own after all, so the least he could do was entertain himself by looking at the passers by. He cleaned the foggy window with his sleeve and rested his chin in the palm of his left hand. A deep, satisfied sigh left his lips as he took a sip of his coffee. This was definitely what he needed.

A green haired girl walked past the window. Her hand was linked with another girl's hand and Phil cracked a small smile. The girl noticed it as she looked through the small part of the window which Phil had cleaned and smiled back at him. This small act of kindness made Phil's entire day better. It was like a tiny silver lining had appeared at the edge of the black clouds that hung above his head. There are barely any good people in this world. Everybody is selfish, people only care about money and status. Phil has never met a person who cared only about his personality. Everybody only ever cared about the way he looked and the things he did, the amount of money he had and the grades he got. Nobody cares about what kind of person you are inside anymore. In fact, Phil doesn't think that's ever been the case. Did people care about personality back in the 1900s? Probably not. Everything is always about status and it's always been that way. Why didn't people just try to get to know each other without judging each other? It's not that hard. It would be possible if people actually tried.

Phil Lester got interrupted from his thoughts when suddenly he realized what exactly he had been staring at. He couldn't see the familiar empty street on the other side of the window. His view was blocked by something, or rather, someone. A face was pressed against the window and wide, warm brown eyes stared directly into Phil's. The boy's mouth was slightly opened and within a second the boy had disappeared.

It was then that Phil realized who exactly had been staring at him and he immediately got up. He needed to get out of there, but it was already too late.


	7. -7-

Phil grabbed his coat and stood up hastily, knocking his cup over in the process. Thankfully it was empty, otherwise it would have destroyed his phone that lay next to it, but it did make a noise loud enough to make people turn around to look at the scene he had created.

"Phil!" A voice called, but Phil refused to look up, hiding his eyes behind his black fringe. But it was no use pretending he hadn't heard the boy, because his hands were shaking and he was panting slightly. The guy was already standing in front of him, his arms stretched forward. Phil tried to step to the right and walk past him, but the boy's hands grabbed his shoulders, softly pushing him back into his seat. 

Phil didn't know what to do, so he just sat down with a deep sigh. The boy immediately spoke up.

"Can I talk to you, please?" He asked in a rushed but soft tone, his hands fumbling with the sleeves of his gray jumper. A long silence fell. Phil didn't know how to reply, how was he supposed to get out of this situation?

"Actually," he started, "I was about to go home. I need to go get some groceries before it gets dark." He tried to sound confident, but when he felt like he was being stared at he looked up and saw how unimpressed the guy looked. His arms were crossed over his chest and he stared down at the black haired man. Phil immediately broke the eye contact and clicked his tongue before speaking up again. "Look, Daniel. I don't know you, why would you even want to talk to me?"

He hadn't expected the quick reaction he got. "It's Dan, actually. And I want to talk to you, because you crashed my dad's funeral yesterday, I think I deserve some answers." His gaze turned to his shoes when he mentioned his father's passing, but he stayed determined. 

"Listen, Dan," Phil made sure he called him the name he wanted to be called and continued, "I've crashed a lot of funerals, it wasn't just your father's. It's just what I do, I mean, you know that too. You said you've heard about me, so please just let it go."

"No." Dan said. He sat down opposite Phil and took a deep breath. He stayed silent for a little while longer, he was probably thinking of what to say next.

"I just don't get it. Why would you attend funerals for fun?"

Phil studied his expression intensely. Something about Dan just seemed so odd. He wasn't like anyone he had ever met before. He asked the same question everybody else asked him, but the only difference was that now was the first time he was actually considering answering it. Why would he answer the question he hated so much now? Meanwhile Dan was biting his lip, probably wondering if he had crossed a line by asking this question. He had crossed a line, but for some reason Phil didn't scold him for it. Instead of raising his voice or even telling him to leave, he answered, "I don't attend them for fun. Not at all, I don't like seeing people in pain, I'm not some kind of heartless monster."

Dan raised his eyebrows at the truthful reply he got and he had a short internal battle whether he should just shut up or if he should ask even more questions. He decided to do the latter. He had already asked Phil a very personal question, so he might as well ask even more questions. 

"Then why do you attend them?"

"Because they make me feel like I'm not alone."

Dan thought about those words for a while. Not alone? Did Phil feel lonely most of the time? The answer to that question was probably yes, he was basically the town's freak. He never really spoke to people and he always wore black. People usually avoided him. Dan wasn't scared of him at all. Really, he was intrigued by him. When he looked up again and stared into those dull blue eyes, he didn't see an intimidating person at all. He just looked kind of sad. Dan suddenly felt so sorry for the boy who was sat in front of him. He didn't know what overcame him, but he reached his arm forward and placed his left hand on Phil's trembling right one. "Are you okay?" He asked softly and tried not to look away from the other boy's eyes.

As soon as their hands touched, Phil flinched and pulled his one away. His face paled slightly and he quickly nodded. "I'm fine, yeah, I should probably go. I'm going to pay now." He plastered a small, clearly fake smile on his face and took big steps away from the table he was previously sat at. 

Dan frowned as he tried to process everything that had just happened, when suddenly he heard a soft sound. He looked up and his eyes fell on a black phone. The screen lit up and Dan's brown eyes quickly scanned the text that popped up. It was from his mother, asking where he was. He knew he shouldn't have read the text, he was invading Phil's privacy, but suddenly another idea popped into his mind. He got a pen out of the pencil case that was stuffed into his black backpack and he ripped the corner of one of the napkins that lay on the table off. He quickly scribbled some digits onto the annoyingly soft surface and carefully took the black phone out of its matching case. He placed the piece of the napkin in the case and clicked the phone back into place, right before Phil came back. Dan tried to act casual and softly tapped his fingers against the table and fixed his fringe with his other hand. Needless to say, it all looked extremely strange to Phil, who grabbed his jacket and phone from the table. A short awkward silence fell, but it was quickly followed by a, "goodbye," from Phil.

Before Dan even got the chance to say something back, the black haired boy had already disappeared. He took a last, quick glance at the boy through the 'clean' part of the window, which had condensated all over again in the meantime. He wiped the window clean with the remainder of the napkin, but when he went to look out the window, all he could see was a man who walked as fast as he could, away from the cafe.


	8. -8-

Phil Lester rubbed his temples with his index fingers and let out a deep sigh. It was two in the morning and the light of his computer screen lit up his face. He was tired and annoyed. None of the apartments on this website looked homey to him and the ones that did were way too big and expensive for him, he was only a teenager after all. This meant that he either had to look for a roommate or look for an even smaller apartment. He doubts anyone would want to share a house with him if nobody even dares to approach him. That meant he only had one option left, so he changed the price range on the website and he clicked on the first apartment that popped up. It was a small, one storey apartment with hideous furniture that looked like it dated out of the 1960s, definitely not something Phil liked. 

Phil let out another sigh, he was so tired, but he needed to find an apartment soon, because he couldn't live with his parents any longer. His mother got worse every day. He clicked on the next result that showed up as he buried his chin in the palm of his hand and he just his glasses before he looked at the pictures. Much to Phil's surprise, this apartment actually looked quite nice. It was a bit small for his liking, but it was better than any of the other apartments he'd visited so far. 

After he'd checked the price and the location, he decided that this apartment was worth paying a visit. He quickly typed an e-mail and sent it before brushing his teeth and wrapping himself up in the blankets of his bed. He hoped he'd get a reaction soon.

\--

The next morning he woke up to the sound of a song that used to be his favourite, but that quickly changed after he decided to set it as his alarm. He reached his hand out and grabbed the device from the floor. He opened one of his eyes and turned his alarm off. It took a while before he was ready to open his eyes and get up, but when he did, he immediately noticed that there was something odd about his all black phone and phonecase. The corner of a small, white piece of paper stuck out of the phonecase. Phil got curious and quickly removed the phone case, so he could see why there was a piece of paper stuck in it. He immediately noticed that it didn't feel like a normal sheet of paper at all, it was a lot thicker and softer, so he came to the conclusion that it was a piece of a napkin. He quickly unfolded the napkin and he got a bit confused when all he could find were a few digits. When his eyes scanned over them again, he came to the conclusion that it must be a phone number.

Then he realized what exactly it was. It was Dan's phone number. The guy must have put it in his phone case when he was paying for his drink. Phil held the piece of the napkin in his hand and stared at it for a while, but then he crumpled the paper and threw it into the corner of the room. His eyebrows were furrowed in an angry scowl. He couldn't believe he was even considering adding the boy to his contacts. Why would he do that? He didn't even know the guy. He didn't even want to know him.

The problem was, Dan did want to get to know Phil. Nobody had ever tried to get closer to Phil. Well, some people tried to get him to say things so they could spread new rumours about him, but Dan wasn't like them. It was like he was genuinely interested in Phil and what he had to say, that's why Phil couldn't stop thinking about it. 

After a while his phone vibrated, indicating that he'd received a message. When he unlocked his phone, he saw that it was an e-mail, saying he could visit the apartment this weekend. That was such a relief, because he didn't want to live here anymore. He just hoped the apartment wouldn't be too bad, but anywhere was better than here.

Just when that thought had crossed his mind, he got a notification from Facebook. It was a message from his brother, Martyn. Phil immediately regretted opening the message. It was a picture of him, his arms wrapped tightly around his girlfriend's waist. Big smiles were plastered on their face and when he zoomed in on their faces, he realized they both had tears in their eyes. They were stood in a beautiful scenery, pink clouds with an orange lining were visible in the background and everything about the picture screamed 'happiness'. Then his phone vibrated again.

"She said yes!" he read. Phil didn't know why, but his eyes filled with tears. He blinked rapidly to try to get them to leave, but he knew it was too late when he felt a drop rolling down his cheek. He hated crying and he hated tears, they were useless. He never cried. He built his walls up so high and he tried to shield his heart from every single feeling, but in the past few weeks every single little thing got to him. Everything seemed to come crumbling down at once and he didn't know what to do anymore, he just felt so small and alone. The problem is, when you build walls, you keep yourself from feeling anything. You keep yourself from getting your heart broken and from being hurt, but you also keep yourself from being happy and loving people. And this particular picture seemed to be the last tiny knock that was needed to break down those last bricks of his wall. To see his brother and his girlfriend, or fiancé, this happy and in love made him feel so unloved and lonely. Never in his life had he cared so much about anything. He didn't want to depend on people and he didn't want to be around people, because nobody seemed to understand him. He fantasized about what it would be like to be in a relationship, but that was all it was to him, a fantasy. He never went looking for this certain kind of boy or girl he had been thinking about, because he was sure none of the people in his life were that person for him, so he decided to just let it go. It's strange that you only realize how lonely you are when the people around you aren't. When they're starting to build a life and are surrounded by friends and loved ones, that's the moment when the loneliness hits you. 

If you ever feel that way, you should contact someone. Call them and ask them to come over or make yourself feel less alone by making a cup of hot chocolate and wrapping yourself up in blankets.

But that's not what Philip Lester did. He decided to go to the one place in the world where he knew it was okay to cry and to feel upset; he visisted the graveyard.


	9. -9-

Phil Lester ran and ran until his chest ached and his lungs felt like they were on fire, but he didn't slow down. The november air was cold, but Phil was sweating. His body felt hot and his hands were trembling. He didn't slow down until he finally arrived at his destination: the graveyard. He knew it was almost midnight and he also knew he shouldn't be at a graveyard in the middle of the night, but he didn't care. He didn't care about all the other people's opinions about him, he stopped caring a long time ago.

But he didn't stop caring about the opinion the people closest to him had. It hurt to see his brother so happy. It wasn't like Phil wasn't happy for his older sibling, but everything about him was just so perfect. His life was great, he was going to marry his beautiful girlfriend, he had loads of friends. He basically had everything that Phil didn't have. People care about Martyn, but nobody seems to truly care for Phil. His mother cooks dinner for him every night and she gives him money, so he can look for a living, but that's just because she desperately wants him to move out. She wants to make sure her son is healthy, but she doesn't seem to care about his happiness, so he wouldn't say she really cares about him. She cares about his physical health, not about his mental health, which is just as important. That hurts. Phil just feels so lonely, he has nobody. He doesn't have a lover or a best friend, strangers don't even want to talk to him. How was he supposed to make friends if people didn't even give him a chance?

He slowly approached one of the grave stones. He didn't know whose grave it was, but he sat down next to it. His jeans got wet because of the grass, but he couldn't care less. He just wanted to let everything out. 

His soft sniffles turned into loud sobs and he didn't even try to be quiet, it was a graveyard after all. It was okay to cry. 

Nothing was wrong, but at the same time everything was wrong. He didn't have a reason to complain, he had money, a family and a house. But money doesn't mean anything to him, his family doesn't really care about him and the house he lives in doesn't feel like home at all.

His teeth started chattering. He didn't know whether it was because of the cold weather or because he was crying so much, but it didn't make the situation any better. It must have been such a pathetic sight, a young adult, completely dressed in black and a face so white, the contrast between his clothes and skin was huge. A stranger whose cheeks were stained by tears, who was sat on the wet grass of a graveyard at night. He almost wanted to laugh at how ridiculous all of this was, but then he heard a noise. It was the sound of grass being crushed underneath someone's shoes. Phil quickly turned around and in front of him, he saw the tall shadow of a person. When he looked up, he immediately recognized who it was.

"Hi," his voice sounded so soft and different, but familiar at the same time. He had only spoken one word, but something was definitely wrong, because his voice cracked and the silence was interrupted by a soft sniffle.

Phil tried to wipe his tears away with the sleeves of his sweater, but it didn't really matter, because the boy had already seen them.

"What's up?" Dan asked, scratching his neck to make the question seem less awkward.

Phil's eyebrows furrowed in confusion, but after a few seconds of silence, a soft chuckle escaped his lips. "What's up? Well, just hanging out at the graveyard, you know, the usual," he answered in a sarcastic tone.

Dan didn't laugh, but he didn't look judgemental either. He just bit his lip and sunk to his knees in front of Phil. They were sat a few meters apart from each other, but Dan slowly moved a bit closer to Phil. When he saw the other boy didn't react, he scooted even close, until they were sat next to each other and their shoulders were almost touching. 

"I'm sorry for being awkward." Dan said and Phil noticed his fingers nervously played with one of the strings of his jacket.

"It's alright," Phil answered truthfully, "I'm the town's freak, I think I can handle some awkwardness."

Dan turned to look at him, a sad smile visible on his face. "I didn't mean to ask 'what's up?', I wanted to ask you what's wrong? Are you okay?"

Phil immediately turned his face away from Dan, so he wouldn't see the tears that were already threatening to spill again. Usually he would just say yes or walk away, but this time was different. He didn't know why he wanted to tell Dan the truth, maybe because he seemed like he genuinely cared or maybe it was just the strange atmosphere at the graveyard and the sad, tired mood he was in, but he decided to be honest.

"No, I'm not okay."

Dan hugged his knees to his chest and answered, "Me either."

Phil looked to his left and that's when he noticed how small the boy looked in this moment. His knees were hugged to his chest and he leaned his face on his knees. It was like he was curling in on himself and he immediately thought of how devastated and broken the boy looked at his father's funeral.

Phil didn't want to care, he didn't want to get closer to the boy and he didn't want to hear about his personal problems, but before he could think about it a question had left his mouth.

"Were you visiting your father's grave?"

Dan lifted his head up and nodded. "I like to go at night, because nobody's here at night. It's quiet and dark. I'm scared of the dark, but I'd rather face my fears than to go at daytime when people can see me sitting here, crying. I hate when people see me cry, it makes me feel vulnerable and weak."

Phil couldn't help but notice something. "But you're crying right now and you're not alone. I'm here. Why did you decide to talk to me when you don't want people to see you cry?"

Dan bit the nail of his thumb and he looked lost in his thoughts, but after a while he turned to face Phil again. "At first I wanted to run away, I heard someone, running down the paths. I was scared and hid behind the bushes, but then I saw that person collapsed onto the ground and after a few seconds I could see their body was shaking and I heard loud sobs. It took me a while to recognize the person because of the dark, but then I realized it was you, so I decided to talk to you. I wanted to check up on you, to help you."

And once again, the graveyard was filled with silence, until Dan decided to break it again.

"I don't want you to be sad, you know. You deserve to be happy."

That sentence was all it took to make Phil cry again. Tear drops rolled down his cheeks and he sniffled softly. He tried to wipe them away with his sleeves, but there was no use.

"Do I?" 

Dan's head shot up at this question and he immediately screamed, "Yes!". Then he realized he should be more careful around Phil, he barely knew the guy, he didn't want to scare him away. He slowly reached his hand out to the older boy and he wrapped his right arm around his slender body. At first, Phil's body stiffened and Dan thought he would push him away, but once he started rubbing small circles on his back, Phil relaxed a bit more. He wasn't going to push Dan away, in any way. He didn't know why, but he felt like he could trust the guy and he just really needed to vent, so he started to talk.

"But why? Why would I deserve happiness? Why am I even here? Nobody cares, I don't even care. I just feel so damn lonely all the time. I used to try being friends with other people, but nobody wanted to be friends with me. Everybody liked someone else better than me, people made fun of me and every time I opened up to people, they betrayed my trust and hurt my feelings. How am I supposed to be happy if this world is against me?"

"I want to be your friend."

That's the only thing Dan said. Phil had expected him to tell him to stop being pathetic or to tell him everything would be ok, but he didn't. He just told him he wanted to be his friend.

Phil's lip trembled and his body shook a little bit as he spoke, "but why?"

"Because, Phil the Funeral Crasher," He started and pulled Phil even closer, "you fascinate me. You're interesting and different. I like outcasts, I like people who don't fit in and who aren't scared to do their own thing and you are one of those people. So, do you want to be friends with me?"

"Alright..." Phil answered. He seemed a bit unsure, but all of this was so new to him.

But he made his very first friend that night.


	10. -10-

It had been a few hours since the boys decided they were going to be friends. Dan knew this isn't how normal friendships start. Nobody would just straight up ask someone to be their friend, you just develop a friendship, it's not something that happens as abruptly as Dan and Phil's friendship, but neither of them cared. Their newly formed friendship isn't normal, but neither are they.

"So," Dan said as they moved on to a new topic, "You never really told me why you crash funerals. You told me they make you feel less alone, but why? They're funerals, there is not a place in the world that's more depressing than a funeral."

Phil just shrugged his shoulders. Everybody asked him this question, but he never knew how to answer. He leaned his back against one of the gravestones and sighed deeply before he started talking. "Have you ever felt so desperately alone that you hated yourself for it? Well, that happened to me. I hated myself for not being likeable and approachable enough. I used to tell myself it was all my fault, I put all the blame on myself."

"On top of that, I had kind of a shitty childhood. I don't want to tell you a sobstory about my life, but let's just say that nobody really cared about me and I've never had a non-imaginary friend before. I just felt so utterly alone, so depressed, and I didn't know how to let my feelings out. I was scared to cry and every time I went outside I'd get angry and upset. Angry at the world, at this town, at the people here. How could they be happy when I felt like this? And then, one day when I was out here, I saw a lot of people outside of the chapel here. I decided to check what was wrong and then I realized a burial was about to begin. I quietly entered the chapel and sat there, in the back, just listening to all the stories about the deceased. It really intrigued me and I just felt so at home in the chapel. It was like these people felt just as miserable as I did. They might not have known what I was going through, but they felt pain, just like me. And that was enough for me. All I needed was a place to be able to let all my feelings out without being judged. But eventually it became more than that. I started to write down people's stories about the deceased, because I was interested in them. I wanted to make sure I'll always remember the funerals I've attended."

Dan was quiet for a while, just processing everything Phil had just told him, but Phil mistook that silence for something else.

"You already regret befriending me, don't you?" He asked in a soft voice.

Dan immediately looked up and shook his head. "No! I was just thinking. It's just, I've never really thought of funerals as a coping mechanism? But I get it now. You were lonely. Loneliness makes you do the strangest things. But it's alright, I used to hear stories about you all the time. 'Haven't you heard?! The Funeral Crasher crashed my best friend's grandma's funeral last weekend!!', that's all I used to hear. People laughed about it, but I just found it really interesting. Why would someone do something like that? When I saw you at my dad's funeral," His voice cracked a bit, but he swallowed the lump in his throat and he continued, "I immediately knew you weren't supposed to be there. You obviously didn't know him."

Phil shot a small smile at Dan. He knew he wouldn't judge him like all the other people did. Something about him was just so different. It was like he was the only person who could see who Phil truly was. Suddenly, he thought about something. "Dan? I've told you so much about myself, but what about you? How has your life been so far?"

Dan's fingers started tapping again. Phil already found out that this was a sign that Dan felt nervous. It was like he couldn't control his hand as it tapped no particular rhythm, he just drummed his fingers to the beat and at the speed of his thoughts.

"Well," he mumbled, "my childhood was nice. I have- or had- loving parents and a brother I care very deeply for. Nothing was really wrong, but after my dad died I haven't been fine at all... I just don't know what I'm feeling anymore. It's like everything's just a blur, I can't really focus on anything and nothing is alright. Nothing is the way it used to be. My mum tries to be strong, but the walls of my house are thin, I can hear her crying at night. The same goes for my brother. He's been trying to distance himself from everyone, but I don't want that to happen. And I, I don't even know what I'm doing. Sometimes I cry, sometimes I don't, but every time I feel okay-ish, I get angry at myself. I can't be happy, I'm not supposed to just get over something as life changing as my father passing away at such a young age. I feel like I don't deserve to be happy and I don't even know why I'm telling you all of this, I just..."

Dan didn't realize Phil had been staring at him the entire time he'd been talking. He carefully placed his hand on Dan's knee and spoke in a soft voice, "I know. I know what it's like. This world is just so cruel and awful, it's like you have to get punished for every slither of happiness you feel. If people were more accepting and happy I wouldn't attend a funeral every other week. It's just the way it is, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't move on, Daniel. Moving on is part of the process of picking your life back up again and that's something you have to do, whether you like it or not. I've been to so many funerals, I know people often blame themselves for everything that's happened in the past, but the truth is, even if you did do something wrong, you have to get over it. You have to move on from things in order to be able to create a nice future that isn't filled with unhappiness and depression."

Dan nodded and wiped a stray tear away. "I think I know why I told you all of this."

"Why?" Phil asked in a timid voice. He was curious, but he was also very scared of what Dan's answer would be.

"Because you listen. I often find that people hear what you're saying, but they don't really listen. They don't understand what you're talking about and they don't care enough to figure out what you mean with the words you're speaking. But you, you do. I really admire that."

Phil's cheeks turned a crimson colour and he was thankful for the fact that it was dark, the moon was the only source of light there was. "Thank you."

After a short silence, Phil lay down on the wet grass. He didn't care about his clothes, he would be able to wash them once he got home anyway. Dan gave him a strange look, but when Phil pulled him down with him and the two boys lay next to each other, a soft giggle escaped his lips.

"You definitely are something else, Phil Lester." Dan sighed contently. Phil didn't even bother to reply, they just lay there in silence, staring at the moon, but somehow this was one of the best moments of Phil's entire life.


	11. -11-

Phil Lester sat down on the edge of his bed. It was 4 in the morning and he felt extremely tired. His eyes were burning and his body felt weak, because he desperately needed sleep, but he didn't want to go to sleep yet. He stared at the piece of paper, or napkin, in his hands. Dan's phone number was written on it. When he got home, the first thing he did was look for the napkin. He was still wearing his wet, cold clothes, but he didn't really care. He could change into his pyjamas later.

He and Dan had talked for almost four hours. The two of them talked about life and death and the universe, but they also talked about simple things like how their day had been. Phil wondered if this was what friendship is like. One thing Phil did know was that his friendship with Dan was different and special. It wasn't like all the friendships in the movies he had watched and it wasn't like the friendships people at his school had either. He was pretty sure those people couldn't talk about the things he and Dan just talked about. The reason why he thought that was because all the people who had ever tried to befriend Phil had left him. As soon as he started talking about the things he was interested in, they walked away and forgot about him. Dan didn't walk away and Dan didn't ignore him. He listened to every single word Phil said and he didn't just listen, he also asked questions. The fond look in his eyes made him so happy. Nobody had ever looked at him like that. His eyes were filled with adoration and interest.

At 3:46am, Dan's phone vibrated. He had received a text and when he opened it, his eyes widened with shock. After he had typed a reply, he turned to look at Phil.

"It was my brother. He told me mum is crying again and apparently she asked for me, but I'm not there. He asked me to come home to help comfort her..."

Phil sent Dan a look of pity and slowly sat up. His muscles hurt a bit and he couldn't even feel his feet anymore because they were so cold, but eventually he managed to get up and he tried to move a little bit to warm himself up. "It's alright," he spoke in a soft voice.

Dan, who was standing opposite him now, nodded, but he didn't look up. His gaze was focused on the wet grass underneath his feet. "I know... I just wish I could spend some more time with you, I don't want this night to end."

"Me either..." Phil said and he sighed deeply.

"It's just... I don't think anyone understands me the way you do. We talked about a lot of sad things, but I also laughed a lot and I just felt so happy. I don't want to go home to comfort my crying mother, it will only bring back that depressed feeling."

"Oh, Daniel," Phil said and softly rubbed his new friend's arm. "We can hang out again later. I had such a nice evening, thank you for spending time with me. You made me feel a lot better." He tried to sound encouraging, but he just didn't really know what to say to Dan. He was still kind of new to this and he didn't want to make things awkward by trying to comfort Dan, but saying something that would only upset him more.

Dan nodded and looked up with a slight blush on his face.

"I would love to hang out with you again, this was the most fun I've ever had."

A sad, but genuine smile appeared on Phil's face. He was about to say something when suddenly Dan's phone vibrated again. He let out a frustrated sigh, "I really have to go now..."

They just stood there, staring at each other for a while, when Dan finally send him a last sweet smile and an awkward, shy wave and turned around. His figure slowly disappeared in the dark of the night and Phil was still stood there, alone at the graveyard.

The silence seemed so much louder now he was on his own again. The atmosphere seemed completely different after Dan had left. Everything seemed a bit more creepy and eerie and Phil just wanted to go home. So he ran as fast as he could.

 

That's how he ended up in his room at 4am. He felt extremely hot from all the running he had done, but his skin felt icy cold and his lips were a little bit blue. He was still sat at the edge of his bed, the same napkin in his hands. He had read over the digits so many times, he knew exactly what Dan's phone number was. 

But why was he so scared to add his new friend's phone number to his contacts? Maybe it was because all of this seemed so unfamiliar to him. He was so used to only having 10 contacts in his phone. He was so used to bottling everything up and being on his own. He felt so strange now he had someone who actually listened to him. Would Dan have forgotten about him in the morning?

He didn't know and there was only one way to find out. So that's why he took his phone out of his pocket and added the boy to his contacts. He typed out a text and read it over thirteen times before he finally sent it.

From: Phil

To: Dan

Sent: 4:12 a.m.

Hi, I just wanted to let you know that I loved talking to you. I hope your mother is alright and you'll still get some sleep tonight. Goodnight. -Phil


	12. 12

Phil Lester woke up at 8AM that morning, to a text from his newly made friend. 

From: Dan

To: Phil

She's fine. Didn't get as much sleep as I needed, but it's alright. Wanna hang out today?

Sent: 8:03 a.m.

Phil rubbed his tired eyes and read the text four times. He couldn't believe what it said. Dan wanted to hang out with him, after all the things he'd confessed the night before. He sat up straight and removed the charger from his phone. He put the annoying wire away and put his clothes on. He realized he couldn't procrastinate replying to the text which Dan clearly knew Phil had read any longer. He just didn't know what to say. He wanted to hang out with him, but he was scared he'd be too awkward and weird. He was scared Dan wouldn't like Phil's strange, happy side. He was scared Dan only liked him, because he needed someone to talk to and Phil was there for him when he felt lonely. Maybe he was nothing but a back up plan for him. He didn't know.

He knew he was overthinking everything, but people's 3am and 3pm personalities are very different, he needed to make sure Dan didn't just like him at night, when he was lonely and tired. 

After he'd walked multiple circles around his entire room while anxiously chewing on his bottom lip, he decided he'd text Dan back. He decided to invite Dan over, because he'd never know what Dan wants from him unless they talk.

He typed out a text and hit the 'send' button with a deep sigh.

It took a fairly short time for Dan to text back, which was a good sign. He told Phil he'd be there in a few hours, which is why Phil decided to get ready and make himself some breakfast.

He ate his cereal in silence and read the note his mum had left him on the kitchen table.

"Phil, you should take a look at these apartments. You might like them. You also have to cook dinner for yourself tonight, as I won't be home tonight. -Mum"

Usually this would annoy him, but he was quite happy about the fact that his mother wouldn't be home when Dan got here. He wasn't ready for the two of them to meet yet, or ever. He wanted to keep his friend away from his mother, because he just knew she would mess his friendship up somehow.

After he'd put his bowl and spoon in the dishwasher, he brushed his teeth, but when he looked in the mirror to style his hair, he was met with the terrible sight that is Phil after he's had four hours of sleep. There were huge, purple bags underneath his eyes and his hair looked messy and dirty. To make it even worse, there was a red spot on his forehead. Usually the only time he looked this horrible was on photo day.

With yet another deep sigh, he searched through the drawer and when he found his mother's concealer, he put a good amount of it on his face. Her skin tone was a lot darker than his own, but he didn't care. It still looked better than the purple bags under his eyes. He also sprayed some dry shampoo in his hair and he smiled at himself in the mirror when he realized he'd made himself look fairly presentable. That was the first good thing that happened to him all day.

Just when he'd finished fixing his hair, he got a text.

From: Dan

To: Phil

I'm here!

Sent: 11:59 a.m.

Phil ran down the stairs and took a deep breath before he opened the door. He saw Dan standing there, his gaze fixed on his feet and a smile immediately formed on his face. Dan looked up from his feet and his brown eyes met Phil's bright blue ones. It was silent and Dan noticed his eyes were kind of red.

"I'm sorry for keeping you up so late last night," he said.

Phil just giggled softly. "Don't worry, silly. I don't mind. Come in," Phil stepped aside and led his friend inside. Dan kicked off his shoes and Phil let out a loud laugh.

"Sloth socks?" he asked and pointed at Dan's sock-clothed feet.

Dan looked a bit embarrassed and his cheeks turned a red colour, but once he noticed Phil's socks, his mood drastically changed. He raised his eyebrows and sent his black haired friend, who was wearing two different socks with clearly different patterns which didn't match at all, an unimpressed look.

Phil smiled so wide, his tongue poked out from behind his teeth and a soft giggle could be heard. "I know, my socks are basically the only colourful clothes I wear. And to make it even worse, they never match. I feel like they represent my personality well."

"They do," Dan replied and he couldn't help but smile at the ridiculous situation. 

"So," Phil said and placed Dan's shoes neatly in the corner, "do you want something to drink?"

Dan nodded and they sat on the couch, a glass of Ribena in their hands and a smile on their face.


	13. -13-

"You're so strange," Dan said as Phil finished yet another story about how he'd just interrupted the heavy make out session of two people in a lift once, by just stepping inside of it with them. Dan looked at his friend with an amused smile and a slight sparkle in his eyes. He was having such a great time, he hadn't felt this good in weeks. Ever since his dad passed away, he'd been quite quiet and lonely, but Phil made him forget about all the bad things in his life for a while.

"That's why people don't like me," Phil answered. He made it sound like a joke, but when Dan looked into his eyes, he could see the hurt behind them. When he didn't laugh at his friend's joke, he got nudged by an elbow and Phil raised his eyebrows at him, as if to say 'what's wrong?'.

Dan let out a deep sigh and finally took his eyes off of Phil, for the first time in minutes. He looked at his feet, which were placed on the coffee table in front of him. His gaze was fixed on his mismatching socks, but his thoughts were somewhere else. "You know," he started, "I know you were only joking, but I hope you know I like you. You keep saying people don't like you, but why would you think that? Of course you aren't the most loved person in this town, but that doesn't mean you're not likeable, it's not your fault. You're different and a lot of close-minded, boring people don't appreciate that, but that's their problem. It's not that people don't like you, because I like you and I am a person, right?"

Phil nodded, a kind of confused look in his eyes, but he listened as his friend continued.

"I think there's no such thing as being unlikeable. There's good in every single person and in my opinion, you're one of the most likeable people on this planet. That might sound sappy, I'm not usually like that, but you are. For me personally, your personality is better than any of the people I've met in the past few years. That might say something about the kind of friends I have, but it also says something about you. I think that people are too scared to get close to you or to get to know you, because you're not like them, but that's what I find so interesting about you. You're not like anyone I've ever met. What I find so interesting about you is that you've still got that childlike curiosity, but you're also extremely mature for your age. I feel like you've seen and been through way too much, which has changed you a lot and you built walls around yourself and people just started seeing you as someone you're not. I think that's unfair, because you're not the person people think you are at all."

Phil turned his head to look at Dan, who looked kind of bothered but relieved. Phil didn't know how to feel. He didn't know anyone felt that way about him, nobody had ever defended him or complimented his personality.

After a while, the words "do you really think so?" left his mouth. His voice was small and soft.

Dan softly patted his friend's knee and nodded.

"We've only been friends for a few hours, but you've already done more for me than anyone else in my life ever has."

Dan just sent him a small smile and gave his knee one last rub and he walked into the kitchen to put his empty glass in the sink. Phil, who had followed him into the kitchen, checked the time. When he saw it was already 6:30pm, he realized he needed to start cooking.

"Do you want to join me for dinner?" Phil asked as he got his phone out of one of the pockets of his jeans.

"Sure," Dan replied and the two of them ordered pizzas. They decided to go to Phil's room while the pizzas were being made and delivered. Phil lay down on his bed and his friend looked around his room with wide eyes.

"Wow," he said and looked around. One of the walls was black and Bring Me The Horizon posters littered the other, white walls. Loads of action figures and random game related items and plushies were placed neatly on his nightstand and wardrobe. It was a perfect combination of cute and dark stuff.

Phil blushed a little as he watched Dan's facial expressions. He felt a little bit embarrassed, but when Dan noticed, he just laughed. "Don't worry, I love your room. I feel like it represents your personality perfectly."

Phil raised his eyebrows at the comment and just let his back fall onto the mattress again. It was silent for a while, until Phil heard flicking of pages. His eyes widened and he immediately shot up at the sound. He closed the book with a loud slam and shoved it out of his friend's reach.

"Why'd you do that? I was just reading." Dan asked. 

Phil bit his lip nervously and shrugged his shoulders. He didn't feel embarrassed, but he did feel kind of scared to know someone had read several pages of his most personal possession. 

"It's just my funeral book. I write about all the funerals I've attended and I write about the things that stood out to me."

Dan nodded and tried to catch another glimpse of the black notebook. "Have you written about every single funeral you've attended?", he asked. 

Phil nodded and immediately regretted it when he heard Dan's next question.

"So what stood out to you at my dad's funeral?" His voice cracked at the beginning of the sentence and he obviously didn't feel very comfortable talking about his father, but he did it anyway. He was too curious. Phil felt like the boy who suddenly looked so small and helpless deserved a truthful answer, so that's exactly what he gave him.

"You."


	14. -14-

"What do you mean, 'you'? Why did I stand out to you?", Dan asked with a confused but curious expression on his face. 

Phil just shrugged his shoulders, but Dan wouldn't let him get away with that comment that easily, he needed his friend to explain himself. "You can't just drop the subject now! I'm curious," he said and poked Phil's side playfully, raising his eyebrows in anticipation.

Phil let out a deep sigh. "Well, I mean, the things you said intrigued me."

Dan was about to ask why, when the doorbell rang. Phil smiled, he could easily escape this situation now, he was lucky.

They walked down the stairs and opened the door. Phil got the pizzas from the delivery boy and handed them to Dan as he closed the door and thanked the kind deliverer. The smell of the greasy but tasty food filled the room and it made Dan smile. After Phil had closed the door, they sat down on the couch and placed the cardboard boxes on their laps. Phil let out a soft moan after he'd taken a bite of his slice of the pepperoni pizza.

Dan giggled and opened his own pizza box. He had ordered a margherita pizza. Phil had asked him if he was sure he wanted the plain pizza three times before ordering it for him. "Are you sure?," he had asked Dan, but he reassured him that that's what he wanted. He did like the simple cheese pizza, but he prefered pizzas with more toppings, but he simply didn't feel comfortable enough to order a more expensive pizza. The two of them had only been friends for about a day, he didn't want Phil to spend too much money on him, especially because he was pretty sure Phil needed it for more important things, like education. And they didn't know each other that well yet, maybe they'd get into a fight or maybe Phil would change his mind about Dan. He just didn't want the boy to waste his money on him in case things go wrong in the future.

Phil raised his eyebrows at Dan, who was just sat there, staring at his pizza, lost in thought and sent him a cheeky smile. "I knew you didn't want a margherita pizza! Nobody ever orders a margherita pizza. Do you want a slice from my pizza?"

Dan looked up and blushed when he realised that he had seemed kind of ungrateful when he just sat there, staring at his pizza for about two minutes. 

"No, no! It's okay, I love this pizza. It's fine," he panicked a bit and shoved a slice into his mouth.

Phil, who insisted on giving Dan his pizza just shrugged. "We could just share them?"

Dan sighed and nodded. "Okay..."

"You shouldn't lie to me, Dan. You can be honest with me, I would have just bought you another pizza. It's no big deal."

"Okay, okay, thank you," Dan answered and smiled at Phil, who pulled some of the pieces of pepperoni off of his slice of pizza and put it on one of the slices from the other pizza. He continued doing that, until both of the pizzas were 'pepperoni pizzas'. Dan rolled his eyes, but couldn't help but laugh at the ridiculous but cute act. Unfortunately, his smile faltered soon and Phil, who had been so concentrated before, noticed it too. A worried expression appeared on his face. 

"Hey, what's wrong?," he asked softly. 

Dan slowly chewed his food while staring at the wall opposite them. After a long silence, he asked, "Do you ever feel like you don't deserve to be happy?"

This question caught Phil by surprise. Don't deserve to be happy? He thought about the question for a while, before he gave a small nod. He did feel that way. He wanted to explain himself, but when he opened his mouth, Dan started talking.

"Sometimes I just feel like I don't deserve to be happy. I'm supposed to feel sad, right? I'm supposed to be crying, hurting, feeling miserable like my mum. To isolate myself, punch walls until my knuckles are bruised and bloody and scream into a pillow in the middle of the night like my brother does. And I've done and felt all of those things, but a few seconds ago when you were playing with your food like a child I just felt relaxed and happy. I'm not supposed to feel happy. My dad passed away two weeks ago, happy is not an emotion I should be feeling for at least a few more months, right? Why am I feeling happy when I'm supposed to be grieving and mourning? I don't know how to feel anymore, Phil. I just don't know anymore."

Phil had listened intensly to every word his friend had spoken, because he didn't want to give an answer Dan wouldn't feel satisfied with. He wanted to help him.

"You're a human, not a machine or a robot. You're not 'supposed to feel sad' or 'supposed to be grieving'. You're not supposed to feel anything other than the emotion you're feeling, because that's just the way you feel. You're allowed to feel sad and you're allowed to be heartbroken, but you're also allowed to be happy. You shouldn't try to influence the way you feel, you should just endure it. I know the things you're feeling right now are confusing and I know it probably feels like you shouldn't feel happy and like you don't deserve to be happy, but that's not true. You should cherish the moments you feel happy instead of getting angry at yourself for experiencing a positive emotion. I know this sounds cliché, but you should try to live in the moment. Try not to think too much about it." Phil sent Dan a small smile and poked his arm with his finger. Dan softly pushed him away and at first Phil thought he had upset his friend, but when Dan lifted his head and he saw the huge grin on his face, he couldn't help but smile back. Dan gave him a slight nod, as if to say 'thank you', but he didn't say anything else about it. When Phil nodded back at him, he got up and said, "So, ready to get your ass kicked at Mario Kart?"

And Dan's previous sad mood was immediately gone, and that was okay, because he was a human being and not a machine. He was allowed to feel things, he just has to learn to live in the moment. So that's exactly what he did.


	15. -15-

It had been a few hours since Dan had left. His mother wanted him to be home before 11pm, because she'd get worried if he was still out there, at some kind of stranger's house. She couldn't afford to lose her son after she had lost her husband. So, Dan reassured her that he'd be home at 11 and he left Phil's house half an hour prior. Phil had closed the door with a deep sigh and a strange kind of longing feeling, he didn't want his friend to leave. It was strange, Phil had never imagined friendships to be like this, to feel so comfortable and happy around someone else. He knows he shouldn't really use the word 'happy', because he didn't know if happiness was the same feeling as the emotion he felt when he was with Dan, but he could certainly say he felt content when they were together. In a way, it was like all the trouble and problems in their life were gone for a while, when they were together, but that's not 100% true, because they were still there and both of them knew that. Sometimes they brought their problems up in conversation and talked about them for a while, so they didn't completely forget about them, but they did make them seem less bad, less scary. Phil liked that. He liked to be carefree and he liked to just be able to relax for a while.

But Dan's gone now, so Phil's problems came flooding back to him. He groaned when he thought about everything he still had to do. He just couldn't be bothered, but he knew he had to. He had to look for a new apartment and he had to get some work done and he also had to attend another funeral. It had been a while since he last attended one and he really wanted to go to a new one. Just because he had a friend now, doesn't mean he doesn't care about the other things he enjoys and likes doing anymore. The only difference is that he's got someone he can share his stories with now. Only if Dan wanted to hear them, of course. He still wonders why someone like Dan would befriend him. People always think Phil's crazy, intimidating and dangerous, so that's the way he acted around people most of the time. Might as well live up to the image they created for him. But he didn't feel the need to act that way around Dan at all, it was like he saw right through him. Phil knew he was hard to read, he had a complicated mind and he didn't speak about the things that go through his head often, but Dan still tries to understand him.

Phil had been lying on the couch for a few hours, just staring at the boring reality show that was on tv, but he was lost in thoughts. When his mum opened the door to the living room and greeted him, he just mumbled a soft 'hey' in response. She crossed her arms and stared at her son for a while, before taking a step forward, grabbing the remote and turning off the television.

"Phil," she spoke, "you can't just lie on the couch all day, you're supposed to be looking for a new apartment and a job, maybe. You won't get anywhere if you keep procrastinating and watching shitty tv shows all day." She angrily put the remote back on the coffee table and glared at Phil's feet, which were placed right next to the remote she had put down.

Phil just raised an eyebrow at the woman in front of him. She had no right to talk to him like that, even though she was his mother. It angered and annoyed him. "Well, you clearly don't know anything about me, then. I didn't watch tv all day, a friend came over and we had a great time, but you don't care now, do you? All you care about is your reputation and kicking me, the 'freak', out of your house so your friends won't talk shit about you."

"That is not true!", she screamed, her voice high pitched and loud. "I've spent years trying to change you, trying to change your behaviour. I spent so much time, talking to other mothers, arranging play dates for you, asking them what I'm doing wrong. I've spent all that time, blaming myself for giving birth to such a mistake like you, but I still took care of you. I give you money, buy clothes for you, help you when you need it, but you're just so ungratef-"

"Don't you dare call me ungrateful, mum. Don't you understand that money wasn't what I needed? All I needed was love. Someone who cares about me and listens to me, someone who doesn't want to hide me from the world, I need someone who is proud of me. You're clearly not proud of me, you're ashamed of me and that's not love. You don't really care about me and I can see that now. I'm going to visit an apartment tomorrow and I really hope that one's okay, because I don't want to have to spend a minute longer than needed in this house."

The frown on his mother's face changed into a sad expression. Her eyes looked a bit watery and she was biting her bottom lip, either trying to hold back words or tears.

It turned out to be the latter, because after a minute or so she cleared her throat and spoke up. 

"Phil," she said, her voice soft and croaky, "I do love you."

Every other time, Phil would have accepted this as an apology and he would have got up to hug his mother, but not this time. Not again. He was done with this and her meaningless apologies. He was going to stand up for himself for once, because he was over his pity for her and he still felt miserable, but if that meant that this was his breaking point and that things were going to get better from now on, then he could accept that.

"You don't," he answered and walked away in silence, shutting the door behind him with a loud bang.


	16. -16-

Phil closed the door of the apartment he had just visited with a soft thud and a small smile appeared on his face. He took a deep breath and enjoyed the cold air that filled his lungs. He felt content, because he quite liked the apartment and anything would be okay, as long as he didn't have to live in the same house as the woman who gave birth to him anymore. He was planning on attending a funeral today. It was only noon, so he stopped by a lunchroom to eat something and after that he was on his way to the funeral parlor. The graveyard looked empty and cold and it fit the sad atmosphere perfectly. Phil didn't feel particularly sad today, but he was definitely looking forward to this funeral. He wasn't some kind of freak who likes to see people cry, but he's just so interested in the stories people tell about the deceased.

People often say "of the dead, nothing unless good" and Phil supposes that's true. At funerals nobody ever tells negative stories about the dead person. Of course, most people who attend the funeral are there because they care about the deceased, but he still thinks it's strange. Phil loves his mother and he cares a lot about her, but she still acts like a bitch to him most of the time. Would he at least mention the verbal abuse and the disgusted looks she always gave him in his speech? He doesn't know. Nothing's stopping him from doing that, but it would still feel wrong. He doesn't know why, because the person is dead and wouldn't be able to say anything at all or hurt him for saying things they don't like. But maybe that's also the reason why people don't talk negatively about the dead, they can't defend themselves.

Phil walked into the room where they had to wait before the funeral started. He got a glass of water and silently sipped it while he observed the people in the room. All of them were dressed in black and some looked more miserable than others. It was strange to see how some people were holding onto others and crying into their loved ones' shoulders while others were laughing and talking about everything that's going on in their lives at the moment. As sad as the occasion might be, it's still a reunion. People who haven't seen each other in ages are back together and want to catch up, which Phil supposes is alright, even though they're at a funeral. 

After about 20 minutes and a few awkward greetings and conversations while avoiding the family of the deceased, the doors finally opened and everybody walked into the room. Phil sat down at the back with a few other people. Everybody stopped whispering and talking when the obsequy started and the funeral director started speaking. He thanked everybody for coming and Phil kind of ignored the guy. He didn't really care about funeral directors. He played with his sleeves and tried to keep his hands from getting too cold and he stared at the picture that was displayed at the front of the room. The woman had short, white hair and wore tons of jewellery. Her eyebrows were clearly drawn onto her old wrinkly face and her sparkly brown eyes were covered by a pair of sunglasses in the picture. Despite the fact that she was of age, she still looked beautiful. 

When the funeral director finally invited one of the woman's daughters on stage, Phil sat up straight and raised his eyebrows. He was really interested to hear this woman's story. Would she say something negative about her beloved mother?

"Dear mum," she spoke and cleared her throat. Her hands were visibly shaking, but she looked determined to finish her speech. "I would use two words to describe you: strong and strange. Strong, because your husband left you, you had to raise four daughters on your own. Strong, because you survived the world war II and strong, because you survived a suicide attempt and you got through that."

"But that strength also caused you to be a bit grumpy sometimes. Thankfully you weren't cold hearted. You were such a lovely person. You're strange and I love that. You were so superstitious and you wore the most colourful and glittery outfits ever. When I was younger, I hated that. I was so ashamed of you, but I guess that was just because I was a teenager. I love them now. You were the only person who could pull all that glitter off." The woman stopped to take a really deep breath, but she couldn't contain herself. A loud sob escaped her mouth and Phil's heart ached a little at the sight and apparently he wasn't the only one who had such a strong reaction to the woman's heartbreak, because her teenage son walked up to her and wrapped his strong arms around her. She whispered a 'thank you' and took a sip of water. 

"But strange is a good thing, isn't it? I hated seeing you in such a bad state in the hospital. You didn't wear your favourite necklace and you weren't wearing any makeup and you just didn't look like yourself. I'm... I'm glad you'll be looking like yourself for the rest of time," she whispered and glanced into the coffin. Phil couldn't see what the mother of the crying woman looked like now, but he supposes she looks like the woman from the pictures. Brown eyes, drawn eyebrows and pretty accessories. 

The woman whispered a 'goodbye' and kneeled next to the coffin to place a soft kiss onto her mother's hand and left in silence, a tear rolling down her face.

Phil didn't cry. He was interested to find out more about the woman's mum and the stories all the other people had to tell about this person. 

After a few fairly short speeches by other people, Phil quietly left the room. He waited until the funeral cortege started moving. Some people held each other's hands and others held a single red rose in their hands as they followed the coffin, which was being carried by six males, presumably the closest family members. It was cold and they had to walk a pretty long time until they finally reached the place where the woman would be buried. Phil looked around the familiar graveyard. He squinted his eyes and stared at the spot he'd been standing a while ago; Dan's father's grave. The field was empty and he couldn't spot Dan or anyone else there, but the memory of that day was so clear. He'd written about it in his funeral book. Dan and his mother and brother had been standing next to the grave with the funeral director. Dan's mother was sobbing into her son's shoulder and her entire body was shaking. Dan's brother stood there in silence and looked at the hole in the ground. After a minute of silence, the three of them took the shovel and quietly threw a bit of soil into the hole. Phil never did that. He felt like he had no right to do something like that for someone he didn't know. Crashing funerals was one thing, but he felt like he was crossing a line by actually getting involved with the entire process, so he didn't do that. He walked back to the chapel where his encounter with Dan had happened.

But right now, there was nobody there and he was at someone else's funeral. He listened to the last few words the daughters of the deceased spoke and after waiting a few more minutes, he quietly walked back to the entrance of the graveyard. His feet felt cold and his fingers tingled from the cold air. His combat boots looked really dirty and he made a mental note to clean them as he made his way back to his house. Not his home, his house. And it soon would be nothing more than the house he was born in.


	17. -17-

"Really?!" Phil exclaimed, while stuffing some more crisps into his mouth. They were sitting on the swing set outside. 

"I know right, it was awful," Dan said with a bright smile on his face. He had just told Phil about the time he got so drunk, he threw up six times. 

A small smile creeped onto the dark haired boy's face. He loved hearing about Dan's life and getting to know him better. All the embarrassing stories about the many times Dan had drunk too much were extremely funny to him. Phil didn't like to get drunk. He drank alcohol sometimes when he was sad and just needed to get his mind off things, but he didn't drink his for his own enjoyment or because his 'friends' pressured him to do it. Phil prefered to stay at home and draw or write. "Your life seems so exciting."

Dan sighed and shrugged his shoulders. He set the swings in motion again and said, "You could call it exciting, but I'm not sure if I'm happy with the way I'm living my life."

Phil placed the bag of crisps onto the floor, making sure the treats wouldn't be able to fall onto the dirty ground, and waited for Dan to continue, he just knew the boy needed to get something off his chest and rant.

"Am I happy with the way I'm living my life? Am I wasting my life away by partying and letting my friends pressure me into doing things? Am I in control of my own life or am I letting other people influence and control my actions? I don't know. I just don't know anymore. Everything seems so pointless and I don't know how I'm meant to feel when I'm living a life I'm not 100% happy with. I feel so ungrateful for not being happy, because I'm privileged and I have a loving mother and brother and I have enough money to live a nice and happy life, so why am I not happy?" He looked at Phil with desperation in his eyes. Phil sent him a small smile, his eyes blue and calm.

"Dan," he started, "it's okay."

Dan wasn't satisfied with this answer at all and he was about to complain about that when Phil opened his mouth again.

"You're still so young, you're not even an adult yet and you're going through a lot, so it's okay if you're not certain if you want to keep living your life this way. You're not ungrateful, just because you're not happy. I'm not happy either, never have been, probably never will be."

Dan's eyes saddened at that comment, but Phil interrupted him before he could say anything. 

"But that doesn't mean you'll never be happy. You've got years and years to figure out what you need to do to be happy, maybe you need to find love or maybe you need to work on the way you look at the world. But don't you worry, you'll be okay. I'm certain of it. You will find your way in the world."

"Okay," Dan said. He thought about Phil's words for a while. He knew Phil was right but sometimes he just felt so strange and like he didn't belong here. He wasn't sure if Phil understood that and he couldn't really explain himself either, because he didn't even know what he was feeling, so he decided to just keep it to himself.

"Hey," Phil said softly and tried to get Dan's attention, he was lost in thoughts. Dan looked up at his friend, but it was like he was looking right through him. It was like he had heard Phil's words, but he wasn't listening. He wasn't there. Phil slowly reached out his glove-covered hand and placed it on Dan's shoulder. 

"Hey," he spoke again. Dan blinked a few times and looked into Phil's bright blue eyes. "Let's go home. You're shivering."

Dan looked down at his hands and nodded. They got up and Phil threw away the empty packet of crisps.

The two of them walked down the street. It was a quite funny sight, the two tall boys, walking next to each other. They were leaning slightly into each other, it was as if they'd never been apart. As if they'd always been together. When they turned the corner, someone bumped into Phil's shoulder.

The person looked up and stared straight into Phil's eyes. "Yikes, the funeral crasher," he mumbled and he was about to start walking again, when he made eye contact with Dan.

"Dan?" He asked and gasped. "What the hell are you doing with him?"

Dan just rolled his eyes. "Am I not allowed to walk around town with my friend?"

The guy snorted and ran a hand through his blonde quiff. "Friend? Wow, have you actually sunk this low?"

"Fuck off," Dan mumbled under his breath and walked away, pulling Phil along with him. Phil turned his face and looked at the guy, who just stood there in bewilderment. Phil also had a puzzled expression on his face, which quickly turned into a sad one. 

"You don't have to defend me, you know. If you don't want to be seen with me then-"

"Don't even think about it," Dan interrupted him. "I won't let their biased and prejudiced opinions change the way I think of you. I know you and I know you're a good person."

A small smile appeared on Phil's face. He wasn't used to this, to people who picked his side and defended him. He still felt like he didn't deserve it, but Dan seemed determined to make his friend believe he cares, so he just went along with it. 

"You make me happy, you know that, right?" Phil said and nudged his friend with his elbow, keeping his hands buried deep inside his pockets. Dan stared at the side of Phil's face and Phil didn't think he had ever been looked at that way. It was a look full of admiration. 

"I know," Dan answered. The two of them continued walking, side by side. Bright smiles plastered on both of their faces.


	18. -18-

Phil Lester was just writing the stories he'd heard at the funeral yesterday down when he heard the door bell ring. He closed his book of memories and carefully placed it inside his drawer, but someone had already opened the door when he wanted to get up to answer it. He heard his mother's voice, she used a soft and kind voice when she talked to her friends or strangers or basically anyone who wasn't her son. It all seemed like a normal situation, so Phil decided to just sharpen his pencil and he wanted to go back to writing, when he heard something that surprised him.

"Phil?" His mother called. Phil looked up in surprise and put the pencil down. He quietly walked down the stairs and gave his mum a questioning look. She was standing in the doorway and announced that there was someone here to see Phil. Phil raised his eyebrows, but when he walked closer and could actually see past his mother, a bright smile appeared on his face. His tall, brown haired friend was awkwardly standing there, his hands were connected behind his back and he was smiling a smile that didn't reach his eyes. 

"Dan!" Phil exclaimed and opened his arms for his friend. Dan gladly accepted the hug and even though it was just a short hug to greet each other, the look on Phil's mum was priceless. Her eyes were like saucers. Phil let go of Dan after a few seconds and led him inside. Phil's mum remained in the hall and when she finally decided to join the two boys in the living room, they were already talking and conversing like it came naturally to them. She had never witnessed her son having a proper conversation with anyone. She observed the boys for a while and after about a minute or so she decided to interrupt them. 

"So, Dan?" She asked. 

Dan looked up at the woman. 

"Who exactly are you?"

Dan chuckled at the question, it's the exact same question he had asked Phil when they first met. "I'm Phil's friend, we met at my da-"

"Date!" Phil interrupted Dan, a look of desperation in his eyes. Dan kicked his friend's foot under the table, as if to say, 'what are you on about?!', but Phil decided to dig an even deeper hole for himself by continuing his lie. "Dan was on a date with this... Person. And I was there as well. Well, I wasn't on a date with them, but... But I was in the same, err, restaurant as them. And we just, started talking, you know? And we became friends?"

Mrs Lester raised her eyebrows in disbelief, but she didn't say anything about the story she wasn't sure she believed. 

"Okay then, Dan," she spoke softly and stuck out her hand, "nice to meet you."

Dan shook her hand. He didn't want to make a bad impression and he didn't want to say the wrong thing, so he decided not to say anything and just smiled brightly at her. She left the two of them alone and after they'd heard her footsteps walking up the stairs and the sound of a door shutting, Dan broke the silence. 

"What the hell, Phil, date?!" He exclaimed.

"I'm sorry, okay? I just didn't want her to lecture me again, she knows I crash funerals and I just didn't want her to ruin my day by lecturing me again," he said in a soft but stern voice.

Dan nodded, "I understand." They sat in silence for a few seconds and it was starting to get awkward, because Phil thought Dan was angry at him.

"I'm so-," Phil started.

"But I-," Dan said at the same time. They looked each other in the eye and just burst out in laughter. They couldn't stop laughing. 

"A date?!" Dan exclaimed and slapped his hand onto his thigh, "Can you imagine me going on a date with someone?"

Phil snorted and wiped away a tear while Dan started laughing once again. He clutched onto Phil's side and after they'd finally calmed down from their outburst, Phil decided to ask his friend a question he'd originally wanted to ask him, before his mum walked in.

"Hey Dan?" He said and poked his side. "Why are you here? You didn't text me and I didn't know you'd be coming over."

He shrugged his shoulders. "Don't know. Guess I just didn't want to be home, my mum's a mess and my brother's not taking all of this as well as I am."

Phil just sent him a small and understanding smile and when he looked into Dan's deep brown eyes he could see the tears forming behind them, but he quickly blinked them away. 

"Dan..." Phil tried and slowly reached out to rub Dan's arm, but Dan pulled away. 

"Don't. It's fine, I'm fine. Just want some company right now. Let's go do something fun?" He asked, but it wasn't until after he'd said that that he realized Phil had a frown on his face. He knew that it sucked when you try to comfort someone and they just push you away, but he couldn't help it. His head was a mess and he didn't even understand his own feelings and emotions, what was he supposed to do about it? 

Phil's eyebrows were still furrowed, so Dan poked the deep wrinkle in his friend's forehead with his pointer finger. 

"Hey," he said, "don't frown, please?"

Phil tried to look up, at the finger Dan had placed on his forehead, but he could barely see it, so he decided to just slap his hand away.

"Please do not touch the works of art," Phil spoke in a posh way and Dan just snorted. 

"You're not art, come on. You're a bit full of yourself, aren't you, Phil?" He poked Phil's side in a playful manner and Phil knew exactly what the cheeky guy was trying to do.

"Oh come here!" He said and tackled him, so he was lying on the couch. He tickled Dan's sides and Dan screamed. Phil ignored his cries for help and just smiled down at him. He moved his hands from Dan's sides to his stomach and Dan tried to push his hands away, but it didn't work. Dan started screaming now, begging Phil for mercy, so he let go of the boy. He let out an evil laugh and before he fully released him, he booped his nose. "Don't you dare say I'm not a piece of art again," Phil said in a playful manner.

"I mean, I guess you could be art. Not because of your appearance but because of the way you make people feel," Dan said while studying Phil's face.

"Oh?" Phil asked and raised his eyebrows. "How do I make 'people' feel?"

"Don't know," Dan answered and when his eyes met Phil's, a blush crept onto his face, "now go put on Mario Kart."

Phil sent him a knowing look and a smile, but did what Dan asked him anyway. That's how they spent the rest of their day, distracting each other from their shitty lives, that weren't so shitty after all when they were together.


	19. -19-

"Really? That's great, thank you so much!" Phil said to the property manager who had just called him on his phone. He had just heard that the apartment he'd been wanting to rent was all his now, if he wanted it, of course. "I'll be there in half an hour. Goodbye!"

He couldn't help but smile. This was an exciting moment, a huge step in his life. He was on his way to independence. It was a big deal to go live on your own. He'd been looking forward to this moment for years. As cliché as it sounds, Phil loved houses. Well, not all of them, of course, but he loved how you could make your favourite and ideal place out of four walls and a roof. His house didn't feel like home, because he didn't feel safe and happy there, but he was planning on making this new apartment feel like home. He was going to build a home with new memories.

He quickly threw on his combat boots and he didn't even bother to put on his black coat, which was a huge mistake, because the cold winter air immediately made him shiver, but he didn't really care. 

While he was walking down the road, he got his phone out of his pocket and with trembling, cold hands he dialed a phone number.

"Phil?" He heard from the other side of the line.

"Dan, I'm moving soon," Phil spoke with such enthusiasm audible in his voice.

"Moving?" Dan immediately asked. "You're not leaving me now, are you? You can't leave me now, Phil?!"

A small smile crept up on Phil's face when he heard the worried tone in Dan's voice, but he also felt bad for making his only friend think he'd be leaving him. "No, silly. I'll still be here, but I'm moving into my own apartment, I won't have to live with my mum anymore."

Dan's slow breathing could be heard, before he laughed softly. "Thank God, you scared me just then. But that's great news! I'm glad to hear that."

"Thank you," Phil said. He was already looking forward to blasting his music without getting constant complains from his mum, to being able to crash funeral without the dirty looks she'd send him and most of all, to be able to be free. He'd still be living in the same town where everybody knows him and where everybody has a biased opinion, but that's fine. He can deal with that, because those people are strangers. It's not that hard to ignore a stranger's words, but what is hard to ignore is to hear someone you love constantly bringing you down. He's just estatic to be able to distance himself from his unhealthy relationship with his mother.

He was about to enter the building he'll be living in soon, when he heard a scream. He immediately looked around him in search for the person in need. His eyes quickly scanned the streets, but there was no one there.

Suddenly he heard Dan's voice coming from the speakers of his phone.

"Adrian, what's wrong?!" Dan sounded worried and Phil's heart pounded in his chest. He heard footsteps, probably Dan's footsteps. Dan was running, Phil didn't move an inch, he was basically frozen.

"Dan, what's going on? Is everything alright?" He asked and he tried to sound as firm as possible. 

Suddenly, Dan's voice was really close again and Phil was glad his friend was still right there, on the line. "I don't know, Phil!" Panic was audible in his voice and Phil didn't know what to do. He was about to say something else, when he heard a loud noise. It sounded like Dan had dropped his phone onto the floor. Phil still heard some muffled sounds and inaudible screams and he didn't know what to do. He just didn't know.

He had felt so ecstatic moments ago, but right now he couldn't feel worse. Dan was in trouble and there was nothing he could do about it. He didn't know what was going on and he didn't even know where Dan lives, so what was he supposed to do? A lump formed in his throat as he saw someone approaching him. He thought it was just another stranger, but it turned out to be the real estate manager.

"Mr. Lester!" She spoke and stuck her hand out to shake Phil's, but Phil didn't even acknowledge her. His hand was clutching his phone and he was shaking slightly. The woman, who thought she'd been rejected, decided to just awkwardly pet his arm instead and asked Phil to follow her. It took him about twenty seconds to realize that he wasn't supposed to mess this up now, so he ran after her and hung up the phone. There was nothing he could do for Dan now, but he made sure that the second Dan texted, called or even showed a sign that he needed help, he could be there for him and instantly help him. But for now, he just had to smile and follow the woman. The ticking sound of her heels on the pavement drove him crazy, he was worried sick, but he knew he was supposed to be paying attention now. He had to make a good impression, he didn't want to lose his chance to a new and brighter future, so he simply smiled. When she asked him if he was okay, he smiled and nodded. When she asked him to sign the contracts, he smiled and when she finally handed him the keys, he smiled. He wasn't happy, but this was the easiest way to keep himself from bursting into tears.

He smiled, but he wasn't really smiling.


	20. -20-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING
> 
> mentions of suicide/suicide attempt. could be triggering, so please be careful while reading this chapter

It wasn't until a few hours later that Phil found out what exactly had happened when they were talking on the phone. Dan's mother had made a stupid drunken decision and she had slit her wrists. Poor Adrian had found her there in her bedroom. Phil had ran all the way from his new apartment to the hospital, where he found a red eyed Dan sitting on a chair. As soon as he saw him, he pulled him into his arms. Dan immediately started sobbing hysterically again, but that was okay. They sat down on a bench, and while Dan had buried his face into Phil's neck, Phil tried to comfort both Dan and his brother. He didn't know the boy, but Dan spoke about him sometimes. They looked alike and Phil immediately noticed that neither of the boys liked to be vulnerable, but they were both really bad at hiding their feelings. Phil placed his left hand on Adrian's shoulder and rubbed it in a comforting motion. Adrian, who was too spent to care, just leaned his body into Phil, who wrapped his other arm around him. The three of them sat like that for about thirty minutes, until Adrian got out of the embrace and got up to get some water. That left the two of them in the cold hospital corridor.

"Dan, I'm so sorry..." Phil whispered. Dan slowly detached himself from Phil and leaned his elbows on his knees. He buried his face into his hands. His voice was barely audible, but Phil was listening closely, so when he heard Dan mumble about how he wouldn't be able to deal with another loss, all he could do was sigh and assure Dan that everything would be okay, even though he wasn't sure he believed his own words. 

 

Thankfully, luck was on their side and Dan's mum survived. She definitely wasn't okay and she was still being watched very closely by the doctors and she would get assigned to a psychologist, but she was alive and that was all that mattered right now. 

Three days after the incident, Dan was so exhausted that Phil had offered to stay with him, so he could get some rest and he wouldn't be alone. Dan didn't want to go back to his house, because he didn't feel safe there at the moment and Phil didn't want to bring him to his own house, because the last thing he wanted was for his mum to bug his only friend with questions right now, so that's how they ended up at Phil's new apartment. When they walked inside and Phil flicked on the light, Dan snorted. 

"Seriously?" He asked and looked around. The space was completely empty, except for the single mattress that lay near the door that lead to the balcony. The situation was quite funny and Phil let out a soft laugh as well. He had offered Dan a warm bed and a nice cup of coffee, but that clearly wasn't going to happen in this empty living room with the concrete floor and bare, white walls. 

"So, this is your home?"

Phil chuckled and bumped his shoulder against Dan's, "shut up, it's not as bad as it seems! I know it's still a bit ugly and bare now, but one day, this apartment will be the homiest home ever."

Dan sent his friend a fond smile and sat down on the mattress on the floor. He was way too tired to stand any longer and he didn't feel like pressing the topic, because he knew Phil was right. Phil had such a strange style. Some would call him alternative, others would simply call him a freak. The thing is, Phil wasn't either of those things. At least not in Dan's eyes. Phil was Phil with all his deep thoughts and his outworn boots, with his love for the concept of death and his passion for screamo music. That's just who he was and Dan loved it. Phil wasn't like anyone he'd ever met and he had such a different mind. His mind was dark, but also so pure. Phil was loving and also very loveable, if you got to know him better. 

Dan didn't realise that Phil had left the room, until the door of the living room creaked open and Phil appeared in the door post with a blanket and a few pillows huddled in his arms. He threw them on the floor, next to where Dan was sitting and when they'd rearranged all of them, Dan lay down on the soft mattress. Phil smiled at the sight of the tired boy and wrapped him up in the blanket. Dan giggled at his actions, it made him feel like a child all over again. His parents used to do this to him. The thought saddened him. His dad was dead. He was buried six feet deep underneath the ground. And his mum? Well, she was currently lying in the hospital, because she tried to kill herself. 

Phil immediately noticed the way Dan's expression faltered and the way tears welled up in his eyes. He wasn't sure whether he should say something about it or not and eventually he decided against it. When he felt Dan scoot over, he took the hint and lay down next to him. Dan was staring at the ceiling and Phil was staring at Dan. 

It was quiet for a really long time, until Dan asked Phil a question.

"Hey Phil," he whispered and slowly turned to face him, "do you think suicide is selfish?"

Phil immediately shook his head, "no."

"Why not?"

It was quiet again. Their shallow breathing could be heard.

"Because sometimes life's just not worth living anymore. You can do anything to try and make people believe in themselves and the meaning of life again, but sometimes it just won't help. Some people are already too far gone, they've already given up on life. I think that life is just not for everyone. Of course I'm not saying that you should just give up as soon as something bad happens, but when you've been living with depression for years, then I get why people would want to make such a tragic decision. In the end, it's your life and you should be able to decide what to do with it. If someone thinks their life is complete, then they should be allowed to take it, as sad as that sounds. You might think it's selfish, to just end it all and leave all your loved ones to suffer. Some relatives and significant others and best friends won't ever stop mourning and others might even become depressed as well, but if you feel like your life is not worth living anymore, then why should you continue to suffer just to make other people 'happy'? You're not even making them happy, because if they truly love you, they shouldn't want to see you suffer. I know it's hard and I know I've got a really strong opinion, but I do not think suicide is selfish."

The silence returned. Dan turned around. He was now facing the doors of the balcony and Phil was facing his back.

"The stars look really beautiful tonight," he said and pointed at a certain star he liked. Phil followed Dan's finger with his eyes and tried to find the star he was pointing at. A fond expression was visible on his face and even though Dan couldn't see him, he could hear the fondness in his voice. "That's Venus, you spork. That's a planet. That's why it shines so bright and that's why it's more yellow than the other stars. I can't believe you found a planet between all those billions of stars."

Suddenly, Dan turned his face. "Well, that's because it's special. I like it because it's different. Just like you are. And somehow I found you between all those average, boring people, right?"

All Phil could do in that moment was smile. 

"You're so cheesy."

"I'm allowed to be cheesy, we both know I'm a huge softie."

The silence returned once again, but as usual, it was a comfortable one. Phil wondered if the two of them could ever feel uncomfortable around each other. Everything just came so naturally to them. 

"The stars do look beautiful tonight," Phil concluded, "the night sky reminds me of that night we spent at the cemetery."

Dan's lips instantly curled at the memory and he turned around to look at the stars again. This was one of the advantages of not being able to afford curtains. "It's funny how you can make me feel happy at the worst of times."

Phil didn't know how to reply to that, because he guessed that was true. He had met Dan at his dad's funeral and now they're lying in his apartment after his mum had tried to commit suicide. He was going through a lot right now and he was still such a young boy. Phil felt like he needed to protect him and show him the world wasn't all bad, but tonight he wasn't going to say anything. 

He wrapped his arm around Dan's waist and buried his face in Dan's curls and they silently watched the stars until their tired eyes and bodies couldn't stay awake any longer. Life couldn't really get any worse for Dan, but right now, he felt happy and safe in Phil's arms. 

The apartment might have been completely empty, but it already felt like home.


	21. -21-

"Good morning," Phil whispered as he felt Dan shuffle next to him on the mattress. He didn't expect a really excited and happy answer, but he was a bit disappointed when all he got in return was a loud groan.

"Well, someone's not a morning person," he commented and carefully lifted his arm from where it was lazily lying on Dan's hip. After he had managed to do that without disturbing his sleepy friend too much, he got up. He stretched his arms over his head and let out an annoyed huff at the way his jeans felt around his legs. He forgot to bring his pajamas to the apartment and he didn't want to make Dan uncomfortable by sleeping in his boxers, because the two of them had to share the mattress. There was nothing he hated more than having to sleep in his jeans, but there was nothing he could do about it. Phil tried to smoothe out the crinkles that had appeared in his shirt overnight, but there was only so much he could do without an iron. He shot one last look at Dan's sleeping body before he left the room. His plan was to go make them some breakfast, but when he entered the kitchen he realized that all the cupboards and the fridge were empty. All they had in this house was a tap. He should have known that when he woke up on the floor in a living room without furniture. There was nothing they could do here in this apartment right now, so he decided that it would be best to just wake Dan up. 

"Dan?" Phil called and squatted down next to his sleeping body. He softly tapped Dan's shoulder when he didn't get a reaction and after a few minutes of shaking and tapping, Dan finally decided to open his eyes.

"What?" He groaned and immediately regretted his awful decision to open his eyes, because the room didn't have any curtains. It might have been nice to watch the stars at night while lying on the mattress, but right now he wanted nothing more than to make the light go away and just fall asleep again. Phil let out a soft laugh at the sight of Dan, who was desperately trying to cover his eyes with the back of his hands. Phil slowly pulled Dan's hands away from his face, so he could look into his eyes. He wanted to make sure that Dan was listening and not just slowly drifting back to sleep again.

"I'm going to go get some breakfast. Would you like to join me? I would suggest you do, because if you don't then I guess your breakfast will be nothing more than a glass of water. And we don't even have glasses here."

Dan gave Phil an unimpressed look. "Alright then."

He stretched his arms and got out of 'bed', but he still kept the blanket wrapped tightly around his body. It kind of looked like he was wearing a self-made dress. Phil laughed at the sight. 

"And Miss Universe of 2017 is... Dan Howell!" Phil announced and started cheering and clapping loudly. Dan's face flushed red and he quickly grabbed his jeans and t-shirt up from the floor and disappeared around the corner. 

"That wasn't funny!" Dan's voice indistinctly sounded in the background. Phil just fondly shook his head and picked his own stuff up from the floor. When he had made sure he had his wallet and phone and asked Dan if he was ready and got a positive response, they were on their way to the bakery across the street. 

Phil bought them coffee and some delicous croissants, which they ate while Phil told Dan stories about his childhood. When Dan seemed to drift off again during one of Phil's stories and Phil asked him what was wrong, all he got was a sad stare in return. The situation with Dan's mother was affecting him a lot and Phil didn't know how to comfort his friend, but that didn't keep him from trying. 

"Do you want to visit her again today?" Phil asked in a soft tone and took Dan's hand in his. He rubbed small circles on the back of it and he looked into Dan's eyes, studying him closely. 

Dan nodded and looked down at his food again. He had only taken a few bites of it, because he wasn't hungry. His heart ached and so did his head, and stomach apparently. Nothing felt right.

Phil softly squeezed his hand to try to get his attention again. He pushed Dan's plate towards him and encouraged him to eat some more. "You need to take care of yourself, you know? You've barely eaten anything in the past few days. Take at least a few more bites, please?"

Dan let out a deep sigh and shook his head, "Let's just go, Phil. Please?"

After a few more hopeless attempts, Phil got the remaining croissants and put them in a plastic sandwich bag. He assumed that Dan would be hungry later. Dan sent him a thankful smile and the two of them left the tiny bakery. It took them half an hour to reach the hospital. They'd been silent all the way, but that was fine. Phil reckoned that Dan just needed to be alone right now, except he didn't want to be alone. He wanted to be alone and be quiet and he didn't want to have to interact with anyone, but he still craved support and he didn't want to be all by himself. It was amazing that Phil understood all of this and just sensed it without him having to explain it.

When they arrived at the hospital and walked up multiple flights of stairs, they finally reached Dan's mum's room. She was conscious and awake and her face lit up when she saw her son.

"Dan!" She exclaimed. They'd spoken once after the incident, but she had been in a confused and tired state, so this was the first time they'd be able to have a proper conversation. 

Dan walked up to her and wrapped his arms around her skinny body. A small smile tugged at the corners of Phil's mouth as he watched the two of them interact. It kind of reminded him of him and his own mother. He realized that it was important to always end things on a good note, because life is fragile. Anything could happen and he wouldn't be able to live with himself if his mother died and the last words he ever spoke to her weren't kind ones. 

Dan interrupted his train of thought when he called his name. "Phil," his voice sounded and he gestured Phil to come over, so he did. It was slightly awkward to just stand there as Dan's mum studied his face. After a while, she spoke up.

"Phil Lester, I never thought Dan would become friends with someone like you."

Phil raised his eyebrows at this remark because of two reasons. The first one was simple: how did she know his name? And the second reason was that she sounded so kind and genuine when she spoke those words. She wasn't trying to bring him down or speaking to him in a degrading way. 

She noticed the surprised expression on his face and continued, "I remember when you were in elementary school, I used to help the teachers out with some projects with the kids. One time, when we were reading and playing games with a few other kids, you asked me something. That's why I remember you. The other kids were being mean to you and didn't include you in their games and you turned to me with a sad expression on your face. You said, 'They never want to play with me. They don't love me like they love all the other kids, all they ever do is make fun of me.'. I petted your head and told you that one day you would find real friends and you asked me, 'but you love me, right?'. I felt incredibly sad and confused when you asked that. A child should never have to question whether they're loved or not."

She reached her hand out to Phil and he hesitated a bit before taking hers in his, his eyes focused on the bandage that was wrapped around her wrist. Her hand felt cold, but her eyes looked warm and inviting. "I'm glad you finally found that real friend, Phil."

"Me too," he whispered and his eyes locked with Dan's. "Thank you for giving me a chance."

Dan, who had been feeling extremely emotional all day, just replied with a nod and he placed a soft kiss to his mum's head. 

"Are you alright?" He asked her and she just shrugged her shoulders.

"I don't know. I'm devastated, of course. Didn't even succeed in taking my own life, but I'm also quite happy that things didn't end that way. I was drunk and I wasn't thinking clearly. The thoughts weren't there because I was drunk, but I wouldn't have done it if I was sober, if you know what I mean. I hope I didn't scare you and Adrian too much."

Dan snorted humorlessly, "I'm sure you left both of us with a lifelong trauma."

Phil awkwardly sat there and felt Dan's mum's grip on his hand loosen.

"I'm sorry, Dan. It was never my intention to hurt you, I only meant to do this to myself..."

A tear escaped Dan's eye and he just hugged his mother's body to his chest. He whispered the words 'I love you' over and over again and they sat like that for a few minutes, until the emotional embrace was interrupted by a loud grumble of Dan's stomach. The three of them burst out in laughter.

"I knew it!" Phil exclaimed and got up to get the leftover croissants from his bag. He handed one of them to Dan, who accepted it and greedily took a bite. His mother looked up at him and asked him if he'd been taking care of himself, to which he didn't reply. He simply pointed at Phil, indicating that he'd been taking care of him, and she understood what he meant, so she mouthed a 'thank you'. 

They sat like that for a while, eating the croissants, because apparently the hospital food was disgusting and they talked. A few more tears were spilled, but that was alright. This entire situation was very emotional, because this amazing woman could have been dead, but Phil tried to look at the bright side. She didn't die. She would get help and so would Dan, if he wanted help, and things would get better. He was sure of it. They laughed a lot that afternoon and got to know each other better and when they said their goodbyes at the end of the day, Phil felt content and sure about the future.


	22. -22-

Dan Howell carried one last box up the stairs and placed it on the floor with a loud thud, while Phil just sat on top of one of the boxes and stared at him, letting out a loud yawn.

Dan rolled his eyes at the sight. "You've got no right to be tired, you only carried two boxes up the stairs, I did all the hard work," he grumbled.

Phil just scooted over and pulled on Dan's hand so he'd sit down next to him. When Dan sat down, the cardboard box ripped and the two of them tumbled onto the floor, into an awkward position on their backs. Phil snorted at the ridiculous situation they were in and Dan let out a loud scream.

"Phil!" He yelled and tried to get up. "Why would you do that?!"

Phil, who was still lying on the floor just raised his eyebrows in an unimpressed manner and shrugged, "I don't know. It wasn't that bad, Dan, you're overreacting. You should try to have some fun, you shouldn't take everything so seriously."

"Mmh, fun, right? Like crashing a funeral and headbanging to your screamo bands?"

Phil got up from the floor and took a step closer to his friend while nodding his head. "I mean, that's my idea of fun, so you could do that, but you could also try to find things you enjoy doing."

Dan, who just turned away and scooted down to unpack one of the boxes, ignored Phil, but Phil wasn't going to let that happen.

"Let's go crash a funeral today. It's saturday morning and I was planning on attending this funeral anyway, you might as well come with me. If you want to, of course, I don't want you to go if it makes you feel uncomfortable or sad."

Dan turned around to look at Phil and shrugged his shoulders, "alright then."

"Good!" Phil exclaimed and got up to put on his combat boots. Dan followed him into the hallway, which was filled with boxes, and grabbed his jacket. They shut the front door with a loud thud and they were on their way to the graveyard. The short walk was kind of nice, because it gave the two of them the chance to just think for a while, without feeling the need to talk. When they neared the gates of the graveyard and funeral home, Dan became a bit fidgety and his eyes scanned everything, as if he was trying not to get caught.

"Are you nervous?" Phil asked in a soft voice. Dan turned his face so he could look at his friend and he nodded. 

"Just scared we'll get caught..."

Phil stopped walking and let his hand graze against Dan's, placing the other one on his shoulder. "It will be okay, I've done this before. Are you sure you want to go inside?"

Dan's expression changed into a stern one and he nodded. They walked into the funeral home, where a big group of people was already waiting to go into the next room, where the ceremony would take place. A man locked eyes with the two boys and after hesitating for a while, he walked up to them. 

Dan looked panicked and immediately went to turn around and walk away, but Phil grabbed his hand and stopped him from walking away. He plastered a fake smile onto his face and greeted the old man. He was wearing a black suit with a black tie, a black shirt and black shoes. Black. Phil thought it was kind of sad that his favourite colour got associated with so many negative things. It's just a colour, after all. Despite the fact that black is the colour of death, Phil still thinks it's really beautiful. He loves the way black cars shine when the sunlight shines on them, he loves the contrast of black ink on white paper when he writes in his funeral book and he loves the fact that his black hair and black clothes make his eyes pop. It's such an amazing colour in his opinion. Sadly, many other people associated it with negative memories and emotions. 

"Hello," The old man replied to Phil, "I didn't know Claude had any young friends or family members?"

Phil raised his eyebrows as a lie spilled off his tongue, it came so naturally to him.

"We're not family members, we live in Claude's neighbourhood and we helped him out and visited him every once in a while. It was devastating to find out what happened to him, so we felt it was only right if we attended his funeral to say goodbye to him."

Dan, who was still holding Phil's hand, gave it a tight squeeze. He was glad he saved him from the embarrassing moment, because Dan basically shut down when the man approached them, but he also wanted to talk about Phil's lying skills. Dan hoped Phil had never used them on him before. 

"I see," the man replied and placed his hand on Dan's shoulder. "You look very upset, boy. You know Claude wouldn't have wanted us to cry for him, right? Keep your head up."

Dan didn't dare look up and just nodded. He was intensely staring at his feet and Phil was about to awkwardly say goodbye to the man when the doors to the ceremony hall opened, so they didn't even have to come up with an excuse. Phil led Dan inside and gave his hand a tight squeeze as they sat down. He made sure they weren't anywhere near the front, because even though it wasn't that hard to come up with lies and excuses as to why they attended 'Claude's' funeral, they would rather not get caught in their lie. 

When everybody had taken a seat, the funeral director started talking. He spoke in a controlled and fake soft voice. Phil knew that the people who work at these funeral homes don't really get affected by death anymore. He had talked about it with a few of them and they told him that they have to put on an act. They learn their lines, practice what to say, practice to say their speech in a somewhat sincere voice and plaster on a fake sympathetic face. It's their job and they have to make sure that all these crying people and emotions and the depressing atmosphere don't get to them and bring them down, because otherwise they might get serious mental health problems themselves. 

Phil understands and he knows what it's like, but he's different. He's not like the people that work here. Of course he has to make sure that all of these things don't affect him too much, but the reason why he's here is because he wants to cry. He wants to be able to feel sad and down without being judged. He likes to hear the stories people tell and he likes the company and atmosphere, as depressing as it may be.

Phil looked up and realized he'd been lost in thought when he heard a quiet applause. He saw an old man leaving the small platform which couldn't really be called a stage, and another person walked up to the front. It was a woman with gray hair and glazed-over azul blue eyes. She cleared her throat and wrapped her black scarf a bit tighter around her trembling body. Phil didn't know if she was shaking because of the cold air or because she had been hysterically crying before, but either way he felt sorry for her. 

She started talking. Phil listened intensely to every word she spoke, but none of them were really interesting. He wondered how much time she had spent writing this speech, crying in the dark, sitting behind her typewriter until the sun rose in the early hours of the morning. 

Dan suddenly whispered something to Phil. Apparently he felt just as bad for the woman as Phil did, because he said, "I wish there was something I could do for her... I want to comfort her, she clearly needs it, but I can't... I wish I could just, like, drift up to her like a ghost and gently hug her, so she knows it's okay."

Phil gave him the fondest smile he could possibly fathom and let out a deep sigh.

"Me too."

After Phil had said that, Dan turned his face and watched the woman at the front again. Phil wanted to do the same, but for some reason he couldn't. He just couldn't turn his eyes away from the boy that was sitting next to him. He didn't know what got over him, but he suddenly felt the urge to kiss him. He just felt so fond of Dan and it was like the only way he could possibly show that fondness and appreciation of him was by pressing a soft, sweet kiss to his pink and slightly chapped lips. After a few seconds, Dan turned around to face Phil again. A small smile was visible on his face. 

"Why are you staring at me?" He whispered and muffled the giggle that escaped his mouth with his hand. 

Phil was about to come up with some kind of stupid excuse, but he decided not to and lifted his right hand instead, placing it on the side of Dan's face. He softly rubbed his cheek and said, "I'm just happy to have you here with me.".

Dan slowly removed Phil's hand from his face and entwined their fingers, letting their hands rest in his lap, and his head on Phil's shoulder.

"Me too."


	23. -23-

Dan Howell sighed deeply as his geography teacher went on and on about meanders. He impatiently tapped his fingers onto the table and counted down the minutes until the school bell finally rang. After all the time he'd spent with Phil and the few weeks he was allowed to miss school because his father passed away, he almost forgot about school. Fortunately he didn't miss a lot and he's a smart kid, so it wasn't hard for him to catch up. He didn't like the fact that people sent him pitiful looks when he walked down the hallways, but he knew there was nothing he could do about it. He didn't want to address it either, in fear that that would only make it worse. He just didn't want people to treat him differently than they did before, because he's still the same person. Of course his loss has changed him, he's a lot quieter and more timid now, but he also met Phil because of it and Phil has been a constant support for him. He's honestly so glad he met the guy, because he doesn't know what he would have done without him. Of course he has other friends as well, but they just don't seem to understand him. It's like they hear what he's saying, but they don't try to understand. That's something that saddens him, he used to feel quite lonely because of it, but he has accepted it and got over it after a while. It's better to have 'friends', acquaintances, people to sit with in class and during lunch break, than to be all alone.

He checked his watch again and like a true nerd, the pointers of his watch pointed exactly at the number 12 when the school bell rang, so he counted down the seconds while quickly stuffing his books into his bag. Before the bell rang he still had some time to check his phone and he saw that he had received 2 texts from Phil. He smiled down at his phone and decided to read them later. When it was lunch break, he got up from his seat and basically sprinted out of the classroom. He wanted to avoid the big crowds that made him feel anxious and he also wanted to get to his locker before the girl whose locker was next to his did, because she was always making out with her boyfriend while leaning against his locker. This sucked, because he had to cough and awkwardly try to get their attention in order to get his books before his next class started. Luckily, she wasn't there yet when he arrived. After he had got his books out of his locker and closed the door, one of his friends, or rather, acquaintances walked up to him. Instead of just greeting him and complaining about how boring his classes had been like he usually did, he grabbed Dan's arm and dragged him around a corner, into the abandoned stairwell. Dan had confusion written all over his face.

"What are you doing?" 

"What am I doing? What are you doing, Dan!" Arden scoffed and frowned at him.

Dan still had no idea what he was talking about and he wasn't about to answer this question, so he just waited until Arden started talking again. 

"You've been hanging out with that freak, the funeral crasher. Why on earth would you do that? You know he's no good and you're also ruining our reputation. People have seen you with him, you know. You should stop being so goddamn selfish. If our group of friends is already quite low on the social ladder, then that guy isn't even on there!" He ran a hand through his black curls in frustration and balled his other hand into a fist. 

"Jesus, Arden," Dan sighed and let out a deep sigh, "are you seriously making a problem out of this? I think I'm old enough to decide who I want to hang out with and if you keep acting like this then I think you're not one of those people anymore. Phil is very kind and you should be ashamed of yourself. You shouldn't always listen to rumours and other people's opinions if none of you even know what you're talking about."

He seemed to ignore all of Dan's words and scoffed, "Phil, huh? So you're already on first name basis with him? What does he call you? Danny babe?"

Dan ignored the remark and clenched his teeth. He gave a kick against the door and opened it. With one last remark he left the small room.

"Don't bother talking to me again, if you actually cared about me like he does, then you would choose your friends over your non-existing reputation."

\--

Dan felt pretty upset after today's encounter with Arden, but thankfully not all of his friends had turned on him. When he had come out of the stairwell and walked away, his friend Oliver had walked up to him and he knew about the drama, because they're part of the same group of friends, but Oliver didn't judge him for befriending Phil. Oli had always been very open minded, which is probably why he got on so well with almost everybody. They sat together at lunch and after Dan had explained what had happened, Oli had placed his hand on his shoulder and told him that he'd always be there for him. Dan, who's a quite cynical person, believed him for some reason. Maybe it was the sincerity in his voice or the sparkle in his eye, but he felt a little bit less lonely after lunch break. This day was such a drag, but he didn't lose hope. High school is a drag for almost everybody. If you're not lucky enough to have a pretty face or a killer attitude or an amazing sense of humour and aren't sporty either, then high school is most certainly your personal hell. He knew he wasn't the only one who felt this way, everybody has to go through it. His dad always promised him that when all of this was over and he finally gets accepted into the university he wants to go to, everything will fall into place. Dad promised him he will find good friends, because if you're studying the same thing then you've already got something in common with those people, which makes it easier to make friends. He also said that it is great to move into your own place, to get away from your parents and rules, but Dan wasn't sure if he agreed with him. He didn't do well on his own. Something he liked about his family is that all of them are, or were, very private people. They lived together in one house, but at the same time they were alone. Everybody had their private place and it was just a peaceful household. Dan doubts that he'll find that with anybody else. He wasn't going to worry about that though. All he knew was that he needed to get away from this place as soon as possible. Things would fall into place eventually, he just needed to meet people outside of school who weren't only thinking about their reputations and own problems. For some reason he felt like he had already found someone that would stay in his new, post high school life.


	24. -24-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm sorry for the long wait! i'm going to try to update more regularly from now on. i did write a few oneshots in the meantime so if you want, you can check those out. they're pretty cute and fluffy.

Phil: Dannn  
How's school? You just had a biology test, right? How did that go? I bet you did great :D  
Sent: 9:37AM

Dan read the texts and a sad smile appeared on his face. It made him happy to know Phil was thinking about him, but he simultaniously felt awful. He was currently sitting in the corner of the school's auditorium. He had decided to skip class, he didn't feel like going and his grades were good, so his mum didn't really mind if he skipped a few classes every once in a while. Arden had really upset him and despite the fact that it wouldn't be that hard for him to cut the boy out of his life, it still hurt. He felt exhausted and he hated the fact that his life at home, as well as his life at school sucked. Thankfully he still had Phil. 

Dan: idk. school sucks. friends suck as well.  
Sent: 1:12PM

He didn't want to worry Phil, but he didn't feel like pretending to be happy either. Dan had always been really transparent. He might be good at acting, but he's not good at hiding his feelings at all. If he's sad, he usually hides from the world and if he's angry, you can read it all over his face. He's an open book. 

Phil: I'm sorry :( But I'm your friend and I don't suck, right?  
Sent: 1:13PM

Dan didn't even have to think about what to say before typing his response. 

Dan: you don't count  
Sent: 1:13PM 

It took a while for Phil to reply to that text, but for some reason Dan didn't feel anxious. He wasn't nervously biting his thumbnail and he wasn't tapping his shaky fingers either, he just sat there and stared at his screen, smiling ever so slightly.  
When Phil finally did reply, Dan couldn't help but grin.

Phil: My apartment feels a bit big and empty without you.  
I still have a lot of unpacking to do, moving sucks :(  
Sent: 1:23PM

He didn't think twice before getting up and carelessly grabbing his backpack. He quickly walked out of the school building, because there was somewhere else he wanted to be right now. When he opened the door, the cold winter air made him shiver. He forgot to get his jacket from his locker, but he didn't really mind, he was wearing an oversized sweater anyway. Dan made sure the sweater paws covered his hands completely and nuzzled his face into the collar of the piece of clothing.  
It was strange how much more confident Dan felt when he wasn't at school. As soon as he left the building, he straightened his back and lifted his head. It was like the people at school drained his confidence, until he was nothing but an insecure shell of himself. He was without a doubt one of the tallest guys there, but somehow he still felt so small when he was surrounded by his classmates. He couldn't wait to get out of this town and to leave his classmates behind.  
When he arrived at Phil's apartment, he was supposed to ring one of the dozens of doorbells there were, but a kind old man held the door to the apartment complex open for him, so he could enter without doing that. Dan offered the man a warm smile and nodded at him. He always wondered why some people didn't smile back when he went out of his way to do something for a stranger, or when he smiled at someone. People are so caught up in their own lives, but something Dan loves is when a stranger offers him a genuine smile. No matter how awful someone's day could have been, they decide to show kindness anyway. So that's something Dan always does. A long time ago, when he had endured the meanness of his middle school classmates for the first time, he found that the smile of a stranger can change the way someone feels completely. It can help you see that there are still good people in the world. Your smile can change someone else's day. Those are words Dan has always lived by.  
His train of thought was interrupted when he heard loud music playing. He was nearing Phil's front door, which for some reason, Phil hadn't closed. The music definitely came from his apartment.  
Dan timidly walked inside and when he entered the living room, he quietly called his friend's name.  
"Phil?"  
When he took a few more strides into the room, he saw Phil standing at his dining table with a flowerpot and a gigantic plant. He was swaying his hips and mouthing the words to the song he was listening to. Dan didn't want to startle the boy, so he decided to say his name once again. It worked, because Phil looked up.  
"Hey!" Phil called out with a surprised but happy expression on his face. "Aren't you supposed to be in school right now?"  
Dan shrugged his shoulders and Phil could immediately tell something was up. He walked up to him and wiped his dirt-covered hands on a cloth that was lying on the table. "What's wrong?"  
Dan let out a deep sigh before he finally spoke, "I just really don't want to be at school anymore. It just sucks to be surrounded by people who couldn't care less about you and try to bring you down for seven hours every day. And the teachers aren't any better. All they ever do is yell at us and the amount of pressure they put on us is ridiculous. We're kids, not machines!"  
Dan got a bit annoyed when Phil suddenly walked away, but he should have known better than to think the boy would just leave him like that. He just went to close the front door, wash his hands and returned to the living room with a remote in his hands. After a few clicks, the loud music stopped playing and Phil grabbed Dan's wrist, dragging him towards the couch. Dan wondered when Phil had bought the pieces of furniture that were scattered around the room, between the piles of boxes. They hadn't been there yet a few days prior. Phil took him by surprise when he wrapped a blanket around the two of them and pulled Dan down with him, so they were slouched on the couch with their feet placed carefully on the glass coffee table, which was also new to Dan.  
"You, Dan, need to get out of there as soon as possible," Phil said.  
Dan scoffed, "Yeah right. It's so easy for you to just say that when you've already graduated and are enjoying your gap year."  
Phil wasn't planning on giving up though. "Exactly. I graduated and now I'm enjoying my gap year. But in order to graduate, I had to go through years and years of high school torture. You won't graduate if you keep skipping class, Dan. I know school sucks, but if you want to get out of there as soon as possible, you're going to have to bite the bullet."  
Dan sighed deeply and leaned into Phil's embrace. He knew he was right, but that didn't make this conversation any more pleasant. He had come here to relax and to get away from the stress, not to be lectured. Thankfully Phil seemed to know that as well.  
"Now you're here, we might as well go do something fun."  
"What were you doing before?" Dan asked and turned his face a little so he could look at Phil. They were sitting so close and he loved the way Phil's fingers unconsciously drew patterns on his hip. It made him wonder when Phil had become his safe space, his comfort.  
Phil let out a soft giggle, "Oh, yeah. I thought the space near my front door looked a bit boring, so I wanted to put a plant there. I ordered it online, but it's a bit bigger than I expected it to be, so I'm having a bit of trouble putting the giant thing into a plant pot."  
"Well, I guess it's a good thing that I skipped school after all. Things are always easier with a little bit of help."  
"You want to help me?"  
"Of course," Dan replied with a smile on his face. Phil smiled back at him. He liked that feeling even more than when a stranger returned his smile. It might be because Phil has such a pretty smile, or it's because Dan knows that crinkly-eyed smile is reserved for him only.


	25. -25-

After the two boys had put the plant into the pot, cleaned the soil off the table and made sure the front door was actually closed this time, they collapsed onto Phil’s mattress. He still didn’t have a proper bed, but Phil did move the mattress into the room that would soon be his bedroom. He definitely wasn’t one to do things in order, so he’d already bought a few accessories for his room, instead of buying actual furniture. Furniture was too expensive anyway. He’d stuck a bunch of glow in the dark stars onto his ceiling, which Dan laughed at.

“You’re such a child,” he’d said while giggling, a slight spark visible in his eyes. Phil was happy to see Dan smile again and he couldn’t help but smile at the happy expression on his face. Dan’s smile made him feel all kinds of ways.

“That’s stupid, Dan. You don’t have to stop liking stars at a certain age. Plus, a while ago when you were sleeping over we were looking at the stars and you seemed to like them as well!” Phil recalled. He knew Dan wasn’t seriously insulting him or making fun of him, but they both liked to tease each other. The two of them had grown so close and Phil wasn’t scared to make certain jokes anymore, because Dan seemed to laugh at all of them. He wouldn’t say his sense of humour is the best, but the point of a joke is to make someone laugh and Dan seemed to find everything Phil did pretty entertaining. 

“I do like stars. I like the real ones. Yours aren’t real.”

Phil raised his eyebrows and clicked his tongue. He wasn’t convinced. He pushed the door shut with his foot and walked over to his windows. Thankfully his brother had come over a few days ago to help him hang up all the curtains, because otherwise he wouldn’t have been able to close them now. He wanted the room to be completely dark. Once he’d achieved his goal, he pulled Dan down with him and the two of them adjusted a bit until they were comfortably lying on Phil’s mattress, only a few centimetres of empty space between them.

“They’re not real, but they are pretty,” Phil said. When he turned to face Dan, he saw that the boy wasn’t even looking up at his ceiling, he was looking into Phil’s eyes.

“Yeah, pretty…” Dan whispered.

The mood immediately changed from playful to something else and the silence seemed to thicken. Phil wasn’t sure what had caused this sudden change, but he didn’t mind. He was thinking too much to realise that Dan had leaned in a little bit, but when he did, his hands immediately became clammy. His heart started pounding and butterflies seemed to go crazy in his stomach, but he didn’t feel uncomfortable. Quite the opposite actually. Did Dan like him? Was Dan really going to kiss him or was Phil misinterpreting the situation? 

He tried to push those thoughts aside and slowly brought his face a little bit closer to Dan’s as well. He hoped Dan would get the message and understand that Phil wanted him to kiss him, if that was what Dan wanted, of course.

It was. Dan closed the small gap that was still present between their faces and he pressed his slightly chapped lips to Phil’s. Phil let out a soft gasp when Dan started moving his lips, but after a short moment he kissed Dan back. He brought his hand up to Dan’s cheek and brushed his thumb over the smooth skin. This made Dan smile, so he moved back a little and broke the kiss.

“Wow…” Phil whispered. A blush appeared on his cheeks and he felt a little bit embarrassed, but Dan didn’t seem to mind. He just grinned and leaned into the soft comfort of Phil’s hand on his cheek. 

“Wow indeed, I’ve been wanting to do that for quite a while now,” Dan said.

Phil nodded, but he knew he would never have done it if Dan hadn’t initiated it. He was very new to all of this and he didn’t want to mess things up. The silence stretched on for quite a while, until Dan decided to speak again.

“What are you thinking about?” Dan whispered and he took the hand which had previously been stroking his cheek into his.

Phil broke their eye contact and bit his lip before speaking, “It’s a bit silly, considering I’m almost 19 years old, but this was my first ever kiss. People don’t really want to start a relationship with the town’s freak and I guess I just didn’t trust anyone enough to let them get this close to me…” He rambled on. When he dared to look at Dan’s face again, he saw that Dan couldn’t contain his smile at Phil’s words and he squeezed his hand tightly before leaning in again and pressing another soft kiss to Phil’s lips. “It’s not silly, I’m honoured.”

Phil pulled Dan closer. He didn’t want to let him go, ever. He had never felt this accepted by anyone and he didn’t know how to put that into words, so he just kissed the top of Dan’s head instead. They shifted a little until they were comfortably lying on the mattress, their faces illuminated ever so slightly by the soft green light of the glow in the dark stars.

“I was wrong,” Dan said and gave Phil’s hand a soft squeeze, “your fake stars are quite pretty after all.”


	26. -26-

Phil Lester was awoken by the sound of someone running around his apartment, which scared him slightly. His body shot up and he grabbed his t-shirt from the floor before walking out of his room. After he'd put on the piece of clothing, he silently walked around the corner, into his living room, his fists held up in front of him in defence, ready to punch a burglar. Well, if he didn't freeze out of sheer terror, of course. 

Thankfully, there was no need to punch an intruder, because when he looked up he saw Dan rapidly opening and closing the kitchen cupboards, probably in search for something to eat. 

Dan. Phil had definitely not forgotten about what had happened the night before. The boy had finally kissed him and the thought made him feel all warm inside. They had talked for hours and skipped dinner, because Dan was starting to fall asleep in the dark room before they'd even had the chance to go grocery shopping and Phil didn't feel like ordering anything either. He didn't want to pop the perfect, blissful little bubble they were in. 

"Are you hungry?" Phil asked and startled Dan in the process. He jumped a little and when he turned around, his wide eyes softened and he smiled. 

"Yeah, I did find some cereal, but I have no idea where you keep your bowls and when I woke up I realized I still have to go to school today. I didn't want to wake you up though, because you looked so peaceful, so I was about to just grab a handful of dry cereal and eat that," Dan replied, which made Phil laugh out loud. He walked over to Dan and rubbed his upper arm softly. He completely forgot about what he was doing when he looked into Dan’s eyes. It was pretty magical and all of this was also very new to Phil, but this unfamiliar feeling wasn’t necessarily bad or unsettling. Dan smiled at Phil’s soft expression and pressed a kiss to his cheek.

“Is that what you wanted?” He giggled. 

Phil raised his eyebrows in surprise. “Huh?”

“You were staring at me, I thought you wanted a kiss. If a kiss is what it takes to motivate you to grab me a bowl for my cereal, then I’ll gladly give you want you want.”

Phil smiled and bumped his hip against Dan’s as he made his way over to the cupboard above the sink. He grabbed a bowl and pushed it into Dan’s hand. “There you go, Master. If you ever need anything else, just call for your helper.”

Dan rolled his eyes at Phil’s comment and pressed a quick kiss to his lips to thank him. Every time Dan kissed him, Phil’s heart fluttered and his body felt like it was paralyzed and he couldn’t help but smile. “Is this how it’s going to be from now on?” He asked and followed Dan into the living room, where they sat down at the dining table, which was basically the only furniture Phil owned. Dan scooted his seat closer to Phil’s.

“Yeah. If you don’t mind, of course.” He reached out to grab Phil’s hand and squeezed it softly. Phil had to bite his lip to keep himself from smiling too much. It was all so strange to him. Something truly amazing had to happen in order to make Phil from six months ago smile, but nowadays all it seemed to take was a witty comment or a soft back rub from Dan, and that wasn’t even necessary. Deep inside, Phil knew that all it really took was for Dan to be near him, for Dan to give him the slightest bit of attention. He would say that he felt like he was 15 all over again, but that wasn’t the case. When Phil was 15 years old, he didn’t have silly crushes and spreading rumours and gossiping wasn’t how he passed his daytime. As a 15 year old, he lay in his bed, listening to the loud but melodious sound of Oli Sykes’ voice while doing his homework when needed and sometimes reading articles about his favourite scientists and philosophers. Phil wouldn’t classify himself as ‘weird’, but he was definitely an outcast. Not just because people didn’t like him because of his unusual appearance, but also because he simply enjoyed things the other kids didn’t care about. While they were out drinking for the first time, Phil stayed in and educated himself on topics that interested and intrigued him. He felt like even if he’d had a group of friends when he was a bit younger, he still wouldn’t have been the kind of person who enjoys going out and binge drinking. 

He’s kind of happy about the fact that Dan is the first person who’s making him feel this light and special way. He wouldn’t have had it any other way. All he could hope for was that he made Dan feel this happy and carefree as well. He immediately got to know the answer to that question when Dan asked, “You think we should make this thing official?”

Phil rolled his eyes at that. “You definitely are a Casanova, aren’t you? I was planning on asking you in a super romantic and sappy way, but I guess this works as well. But you’re right, let’s make it official.”

Dan smiled and reached his right hand out over the table, taking hold of Phil’s left one. He was supposed to be in a bit of a rush to get to school, but he didn’t want to ruin this moment. His responsibilities could wait a little bit longer, he just wanted to fully appreciate this moment.

After a while a thought popped into his mind. “I can’t wait to re-introduce you to my mum,” he said. His mum was still recovering from her suicide attempt, but therapy definitely helped her. His life at home had been quite hectic after Dan’s mum had arrived back home from the hospital, but he was sure that this would cheer her up and lighten the mood a little. She loved Phil and she was beating herself up over the fact that she caused her own sons so much pain, so knowing that Dan was still able to find happiness in such dark times would definitely make her feel a bit better.

“Well, I think we’ve got our weekend plans sorted then. But first, it’s time for you to go back to school, otherwise you’ll never graduate,” Phil said and winked at Dan before ushering him out of his apartment. The day had only just begun, but Phil knew that if this was what every morning in a life with Dan would be like, life definitely wasn’t as bad as he used to think it was.


	27. -27-

When Dan had gone to school, Phil decided to go home and pay his mother a visit. He hadn’t done that in quite a while and she was paying the rent for the apartment he was currently living in, so he felt the need to thank her. His mum definitely wasn’t the kindest woman on earth, but now he’d been able to get away from her for a while, things between the two of them didn’t seem as bad as before. Plus, after what happened with Dan’s mother, he had promised himself to always try to end things on a good note, because you never know what will happen to someone. It was a lesson he definitely did not want to learn the hard way, so after putting on his boots and his long, black coat, he closed the door to his small apartment. He had to walk down a ridiculous amount of stairs to finally get to the front door, but he didn’t mind too much. The exercise was needed and walking had never been something he particularly disliked. It gave him time to think and to get himself together if he was feeling down.

When Phil was still in school, he never felt like he fit in. In class, he wasn’t really bothered by his classmates’ comments about him and he didn’t really care about the fact that nobody wanted to sit next to him either, but during lunch break and free periods it always made him feel a bit lonely and left out. On good days he could deal with it and just sucked it up and sat alone at a table that was meant for six, but on days when he wasn’t feeling too happy, he always went outside. Officially, students weren’t allowed to go outside during lunch breaks, but the janitors never stopped him or the smokers from doing what they had to do. What Phil Lester had to do, was get out of that building. On bad days, he felt like he was suffocating in there. The hundreds of loud teenagers that surrounded him, the stuffy air and the unsafe environment made him feel so miserable. He taught himself that if things started feeling scary and if his mind got loud, he had to get out of there. That’s why he always went outside and walked around the park that was located right next to his school. No matter the weather, Phil walked around for minutes or hours on end, until his fingers were frozen and he couldn’t feel his feet anymore from all the miles he’d walked. He’d put in his earbuds and blast his favourite song on repeat until his eardrums hurt. It helped. It always helped.

Walking around the city streets this early in the morning reminded him of those times. The sun was out, which was a rarity on the cold and dark winter days he had grown so accustomed to. He got out his headphones and selected a random song from one of his playlists.

“ _Let them talk and talk and talk, let them say what they want. We will laugh at the thought they don’t know what we’ve got_ ,” a voice softly sounded through the speakers of his headphones. This made Phil smile. It’s funny how songs that are so empty and unimportant to you one day, can hit home for you the next day. That was the case with this song. Phil was never someone who truly cared about other people’s opinions, but it was nice to know that the things they’re saying about him aren’t true. Sometimes, on one of those bad days, it felt like the gossipers and bullies were right. They made him believe that he should be ashamed of who he is and what he stands for, but not today. Today, Phil felt content and proud of himself. He knew that people were giving Dan a hard time for hanging out with him, but nobody knew what was really going on between the two of them, and as long as they didn’t know, they couldn’t judge them. 

Phil didn’t even realize how far he had already walked until the song stopped playing and he finally looked up. He was faced with the fence of the graveyard and couldn’t help but smile a little at the thought of him and Dan, sitting there in the dark, talking until the sun was about to rise again. Things had started looking up for him since then and they still are. After standing there and staring at the tragically beautiful garden for a while, he continued walking, until finally he arrived at his old house. He was about to knock on the door when he realized that this was supposed to be his own home, or second home now that he had his own place. It humoured him that literally any place in the world felt more like home to him than his own childhood home. 

Phil fished the cold, metal key from his pocket and opened the door, wiping his feet on the doormat with the cliché text that his mum loved so much. It was strange that this house was filled with so many positive quotes and words such as, ‘smile’ and ‘family’, which were decorations that his mum had picked, when in reality she didn’t really seem to care about keeping her own family close and making sure Phil always felt secure and happy.

He entered the living room and saw his mother sitting on the couch with a friend, so he greeted her, but immediately excused himself as well. He didn’t really feel like talking to her while she was around one of her friends, so he retreated back to his old room and closed the door with a soft thud. To his surprise, his parents hadn’t changed the room all that much. Of course, it didn’t really look like Phil’s room anymore, because any personal items had been moved to Phil’s new home, but the furniture was still there. This half-empty room was like the skeleton of what his old room used to be. The bed, closet, desk and chair, or bones, were still there, but anything that made this room personal to Phil and gave him a sense of belonging was gone. The nostalgia of being here did do him good. He sat down at his old desk and traced his fingers over the old ebony wood. This desk held a lot of meaning to him, but to a lot of other people as well. It was an heirloom that had been given to him by his father, who had received it from his grandfather and so forth. He liked it a lot, because every single person whom this piece of furniture had belonged to, had left their own traces. Many girl names had been carved into the wood. Phil liked to sit and think about all the girls his ancestors had fancied and if those crushes had actually led anywhere. He recognized the name of his own mother, which had been carved into the side of the desk, but most of these crushes probably stayed exactly what they were; crushes. Other traces could be found in this desk as well, such as ink stains and permanent paint splatters, or dents from where something had fallen onto the desk. Phil had also left his own marks, but his certainly weren’t girl names. He always scratched the wooden surface with his keys when he was feeling angry or nervous, instead of taking it out on himself, which was something he always tried so hard to prevent himself from doing. It worked. Although many marks could be found on the desk, none of them could be found on Phil’s body. 

He traced a pattern of scratches with his fingers and bit back a small smile. His life had got so much better and he hadn’t felt like kicking a wall or etching his desk in such a long time. His life had improved after he had left high school, but he’d only started feeling happy after he had met Dan. Phil truly cared about that boy and he hoped that if one day they had a child, the kid would take after his grandfather and write down girl names on the desk instead of scratching it like their dad did.

After reminiscing for a few minutes longer, he heard the front door open and after some high pitched voices had said goodbye to each other, he heard his mother’s footsteps walk up the stairs. She walked into his room and Phil turned around.

“Hi mum,” he said.

She sat down on the bed and let out a soft, content sigh. “It’s weird, isn’t it? Seeing you room like this, in such an empty and cold state?”

Phil nodded and turned his gaze up to the walls, where marks of sticky tape were visible. His posters used to hang there, but now the wall just looked a bit empty. He didn’t mind too much.

“What brought you here?” His mum asked, perhaps just to break the silence.

Phil was here to see his mum, to make sure that everything was okay between the two of them. It was strange, because nothing had ever been truly okay between them, so to think that one short visit would fix everything was a bit naïve, especially because Phil was nowhere near ready to just forgive her for everything she had done to him, for being ashamed of him. He changed his mind about telling her that he was here for her, and settled for, “I was wondering if I could take my desk with me to my new apartment?”

Kath smiled and got up from the bed. “Of course,” She said and ran her hand through her son’s hair. Little gestures like this one made him remember that his mum did love him and care for him, and even though things were not the way they were supposed to be, things were starting to look uphill for the two of them. The distance had brought them closer together. Phil turned his face to look at her and smiled back.

“Thanks, mum.”


	28. -28-

Phil stayed in his room for a little while longer, before finally getting up with a big sigh. He decided to pick up the desk some other time, he couldn't carry it on his own anyway. When he exited the room and closed the door with a soft thud, he heard another door open. He assumed that it was just his mother again, but he was proved wrong when he suddenly heard a familiar voice say, "Philly!"

Phil immediately recognized the voice and turned around with a big smile on his face. "Martyn!" He yelled out and embraced his brother. He hadn't seen him in a long time. Martyn had moved out years ago and he'd been in a stable relationship for years now. "Why are you home?"

"Just visiting the parents," he replied and Phil nodded in understanding.

"Congratulations on your engagement, I can't believe you finally popped the question to Cornelia!" He expected his voice to come out strained, but after he'd spoken those words, he realized that quite the opposite was the case. The words sounded heartfelt. When Phil had first heard that Martyn was getting married, it was basically the last straw to Phil and it really upset him. Whenever he thinks about it, he can still feel the heaviness in his chest and remember the way his heart had clenched when he'd first heard the news.It wasn't that he wasn't happy for his brother, but it just made him realize how miserable his own life was. Today, however, Phil seemed to be quite unbothered. He wondered what had changed the way he felt.

"Thanks, bro," Martyn said and pat Phil's shoulder. "It was scary, but she said yes without further thought and everything just felt so right. If you ever find the right person, don't let your fears stop you from taking big steps like this one in your relationship, alright? Because I promise you, you'll be rewarded for being brave." A wink followed those words and Phil just softly pushed Martyn's side as a response, not being able to stop the soft chuckle that escaped his lips. His relationship with his brother had always been alright, but it had never been amazing. He loved Martyn a lot and he could tell that his brother cared for him too, but as much as Martyn loved him, he never truly understood Phil. He never excluded Phil from his groups of friends or plans, but Phil just didn't seem to fit in with Martyn's group of friends. Martyn was interested in football, girls and American movies, like most people at their old high school, but Phil just never really saw the appeal of those things and was therefore already a bit of a misfit to others. 

"I'm happy for you," Phil said and meant it.

"Well, I am happy for you too," Martyn replied. "I heard you've made a friend? I heard you've been hanging out with Jamie's brother's friend, Daniel?"

Phil couldn't stop himself from smiling when Martyn said his name and nodded excitedly. "Yeah, Dan."

Martyn raised his eyebrows and let out a loud laugh when he saw Phil's reaction. "Well, judging by the look on your face, I should probably give you some more proposal-tips. Are you sure the two of you are just friends, or should I correct Jamie and let him know that you're more than just best buddies?"

Phil's face turned a red colour. His brother had always teased him and usually he didn't mind much, but he'd never been teased about having a crush. He started feeling more and more like a normal guy every day. "Yeah, about that," Phil laughed and bit his lip, "He kissed me."

"My my, Phil! Is my little brother really out here kissing boys and breaking hearts?" Martyn teased, but by the bright smile on his face, Phil could tell that he was really happy for him.

"As if I could ever break his heart."

"Mmh," Martyn replied, "if he breaks yours, just give me a call. I think I'd be great at playing the scary and protective big brother role."

Phil laughed at that image. Martyn, who loved his cliché American movies so much, could totally play the role of a protective big brother in one of them. He could be quite intimidating at times. As if on queue, Martyn illustrated it. He squared his broad shoulders and balled his fists. "Oi, Daniel," he said in a low voice and frowned, "Break Philly's heart and I'll break your nose."

"Thanks, but I don't think that will be necessary any time soon."

Martyn placed his hand on Phil's shoulder and looked into his blue eyes, which were oh so similar to his own, and made sure the message really came across. "That's fine, as long as you're happy."

"I think I am."

This was the first time in Phil's entire life that he could say that without feeling like he was being dishonest and nothing had ever felt this good before.


	29. -29-

It was friday night and Phil couldn't be happier about the fact that the week was finally over. It wasn't even like he hadn't had a good week, because everything had gone pretty swimmingly. He was in a relationship with a wonderful boy, who was currently on his way to Phil's tiny apartment, and things with his family seemed to be alright at the moment. He was also settling into his apartment, which was great. He was currently vacuum cleaning the house, because now he lived alone he also had to learn to be fully responsible and to do chores. He didn't dread doing the chores as much as he thought he would. He had always helped out a lot at home and doing chores wasn't half as bad as it used to be, because he liked keeping his own place clean. It was still weird to have his own little apartment that he didn't have to share with anyone else. Except with Dan, maybe, because he was over most of the time anyway. 

By the time Phil had made sure all of the dust in the house was gone and had even put all of the dishes in his new kitchen cupboards, Dan had arrived at Phil's flat and Phil happily opened the door. 

"Dan!" He said and pulled him into a big hug. It was a little bit uncomfortable, because Dan was carrying his backpack full of school books, but neither of them really cared. After a few seconds, Phil pulled away, but he didn't let go yet.

"I'm glad you're home," he said and shyly leaned in. He leaned his forehead against Dan's, but waited for Dan to kiss him, as he was still a bit timid. When Dan kissed him, all those feelings of uncertainty disappeared. He had missed Dan.

"Home?" Dan asked and raised his eyebrows, but he didn't pull away from Phil completely just yet.

Phil looked a bit confused until he realized what he had said. "Oh," he exclaimed in realization, "I meant that you're back from school, I didn't mean to imply that this is your home."

Dan just smirked and pulled away from Phil in reply. As he took Phil's hands and pulled him into the living room, Dan said, "It's kind of starting to feel like it though. I mean, I know you've literally just moved in, but I've spent about just as much time here as you have. I'm barely at my own home anymore."

Phil's heart skipped a beat when Dan spoke those words. He probably didn't even realize how much all of this meant to Phil. Phil had always felt this deep, unsettling kind of loneliness. It wasn't the normal kind of loneliness he felt when he was alone at night, it was different. This extreme feeling of loneliness had always made him believe that he'd be alone forever. He wasn't necessarily looking for or referring to a partner, but he believed that nobody would ever want to spend this amount of time with him. It was a feeling he had accepted a very long time ago, but it still weighed him down a lot of the time. It was just this constant heavy hearted feeling he had, but every time Dan spoke words like these, it was like he was taking some of that burden away, like he was sparking that little bit of hope Phil so desperately needed. He was still a little bit too scared to say anything about that to Dan though, so he just bit back his smile instead and sat down on the couch next to him. Dan immediately threw his feet up onto one of the many unpacked boxes that were scattered all around the house. 

"I've never been to your home," Phil said after it had been quiet for a while. Dan looked to the side and faced Phil after he had said that.

"I didn't even realize that, because you've already met my entire family. My mum misses you though, maybe you could come over for dinner sometime soon. I'm sure she would love that."

Phil wanted to agree, but then a question popped into his mind. "Your mum's home? How is she doing?" he asked. He knew Dan wanted him to visit his mother again, but he never really realized that she was at home again. This was probably because he had no idea what Dan's home was like.

Dan leaned his head onto Phil's shoulder and looked at their intertwined hands, which were lying in his lap. Phil knew this was a sensitive topic to Dan, since it had only been a little while since his mother had attempted suicide, but he also assumed that Dan hadn't talked about it to anyone else yet, so he felt like it was his job to make sure Dan knew he could talk to him.

"Yeah," he said in a croaky voice. He gave Phil's hand a soft squeeze before he spoke up again. "She got released after a few days and my aunt is currently staying with us to make sure my mum is okay. She also cooks for us and takes care of me and Adrian, but as you know I haven't been home much the past few days."

Phil nodded in understanding. "Don't you miss home?"

"I do. I don't miss the weird atmosphere at home, though. It's just different. It's like death has replaced my dad and is the new, fourth inhabitant in my house now. On some days it's fine, but on others I feel like I really have to walk on eggshells around all my family members, and they have to do the same thing around me. We don't always do that though, which causes friction and outbursts of negative emotions, which I hate. My family has always been pretty straightforward and honest, so it's not really in my blood to tiptoe around every sensitive subject, but now I kind of have to... Things are just different. I think they'll go back to normal, eventually, but right now nobody wants to address the elephant in the room, which is the fact that Ade and I nearly lost both of our parents..."

Phil wrapped his free arm around Dan's body and squeezed him tightly. He shut his eyes and tried to think of words to make all of this hurt a little bit less. It hurt his heart to hear Dan saying all of these things. He wanted to understand and he wanted to help, but he didn't and he couldn't. He knew what it was like not to have an ideal family situation, but Dan seemed to have had a pretty great youth compared to Phil. Dan's problems had only just started now, while Phil's family issues were in the process of being fixed. Having this conversation was hard for the both of them, but it was necessary. Phil could tell Dan was already feeling a little bit less tense after speaking about all of this, but he also knew that this was just the tip of the iceberg. Dan had lost his father, the man who meant the world to him. He had already been heartbroken and devastated for weeks after that happened and then the whole situation with his mother happened. It was wearing him down and Phil wanted so badly to take this burden off of Dan's shoulders, but he knew that death is something you can't help someone get over this quickly, especially when a family member you're that close to dies. Phil knew quite a lot about grieving processes, seeing as he spent the majority of his teenage years at a cemetery. He knew that time was probably the main thing that helped people heal and move on, but unfortunately he couldn't speed up time or take Dan's pain away, so he just softly stroked Dan's back instead and held him tight. After sitting in silence for a little while longer Phil spoke up. 

"Hey, Dan?" He said, "I think I'll take you up on that offer. I would love to see your family again."


	30. -30-

Dan and Phil were stood in front of Dan's house, hand in hand. It was a lovely little house and despite the fact that it was winter, the front yard looked very pretty and colourful. Dan had told Phil that his father had been a huge lover of gardening and that he always made sure that no matter what season it was, there were always a few plants in bloom, so the garden would look pretty and colourful. Phil had to admit that the man was a genius and great at what he did, even though he had never had the pleasure of meeting him.

Phil noticed that Dan's hand was shaking a little in his own, so he turned towards his boyfriend.

"What's wrong, Dan?" He asked. When Phil looked at him, he noticed that Dan was biting down on his lip so hard, that he almost drew blood, so Phil reached his hand up and pulled Dan's bottom lip back a little with his thumb before pressing a soft kiss to his lips.

Dan was already smiling a bit more, but it was clearly a nervous one.

"It's silly..." Dan said and looked down at the cold grey tiles of the garden path they were standing on.

Phil, who was feeling a bit more comfortable and confident in this relationship every day, used that very same hand that was already softly stroking Dan's cold cheek, to lift his face up a little and squeezed Dan's other hand which he was still holding onto tightly. "It's not silly to be nervous, Dan, I promise. I would like to know what's wrong, though, so I can maybe help you feel a little bit more comfortable when we go in there."

"You're supposed to be the nervous one, since you're having dinner with my family and all, but I can't help but feel a little bit resistant and unsure now I'm standing here and now I'm about to walk back into my house when things are just so different from the way they used to be." Dan paused and gestured to his surroundings. "This front yard, it looks the same as it used to, and so does the interior and the house even smells the same as it used to, but everything has changed. I think that's my problem with this house, nothing has changed about it even though everything about me has changed. That's why I don't really like to be here anymore. I know you don't really get it and I'm sorry for putting you in a position where you feel like you have to comfort me all the time, but I just can't bear to sit at that dinner table and to not have my dad sitting across from me... I just can't..." Dan let go of Phil's hand and leant against the wall next to the front door, which he slowly let himself slide down until he was sat on the floor. The noise that his coat made as it roughly brushed against the brick wall made Phil cringe, but he tried to repress that feeling as much as he could and knelt down next to Dan.

"Hey," he spoke softly, "don't you ever feel guilty about me having to comfort you. We're here for each other, right? That's what we do, we grow together and help each other out. I know that I don't truly get it and I don't want to pretend that I do, but I do hope you know that you can talk about this stuff with your mother too. She will understand that certain things are still really painful for you to do. You miss your dad, all of you do, so I think she'll understand and would want to help to make you feel as alright as you possibly can feel right now. I will talk to her, ask her if we can have dinner somewhere else."

Dan's annoyed expression had faded long ago and he was currently wiping a stray tear that had escaped his eyes away and pushing himself upwards again. He stuck out a hand to help Phil stand up too.

"You're right, we help each other get up and move on."

Phil nodded and before Dan had a chance to ring the doorbell, he wrapped his arms around his waist and kissed Dan. Their lips were icy cold and would probably turn blue if they stayed outside any longer, but neither of them seemed to care as their lips moved together. Eventually, Phil pulled away with a soft, smacking sound, but he made sure to look Dan deep into his eyes one more time to reassure him that everything would be fine, before finally ringing the doorbell.

 

Dan's mother answered the door and she had the brightest smile on her face.

"Dan!" She exclaimed and pulled her son into a very big and inviting hug. She was a lot shorter than him, but when she stood on her tip toes she still managed to press a kiss to her son's curls. After she had let go of Dan, Phil got the chance to really look at her. She was a lot less pale than the last time he had seen her and she just seemed a little bit more lively in general. Her hair had been brushed and put up into a messy braid with lots of pieces of hair sticking out of it, but she still looked like she'd been taking care of herself and that made Phil let out a sigh of relief. He stood there awkwardly staring at her face and noticed that she had even put on some make-up, before she walked up to him and wrapped her arms around him, too. The hug didn't last long, but it was still a nice gesture and it made Phil feel a lot more welcome.

She was about to ask them how they had been when another woman with curly brown hair appeared. She was wearing an apron and she definitely looked like a member of Dan's family. After a few seconds, Phil realized that it was Dan's aunt and his guess proved to be correct as Dan greeted her with a happy smile.

"Oh, I totally forgot to introduce you!" He said when he saw his aunt staring at the shy boy in the hallway. He walked up to Phil and grabbed his hand and dragged him along with him, all the way to where his aunt was standing and said, "Phil, Esme. Esme, Phil."

"Nice to meet you, Phil," she said with a big smile on her face. Her smile reminded him a lot of Dan's smile and it instantly made him like her more. It was a nice smile.

As all of them walked into the living room, Dan sat down next to Adrian on the couch. The two of them started discussing something, but Adrian didn't seem all that invested in the conversation. Phil decided to take this time as an opportunity to talk to Esme and Mrs Howell.

"Hey," he said to them and turned his back to what was happening behind him in the living room, "could we eat out here in the living room? Dan is having a bit of a hard time being at home when everything here is reminding him of his father... It would be nice if I didn't have to sit on the seat where his father used to sit, it's all a little bit too soon for him, I think."

Esme placed a hand on his arm and smiled at Phil, "Of course we can do that, darling. Go take a seat on the couch."

Phil quietly thanked her, but when he looked at Dan's mum, he realized that her face had gone a little bit pale and she was staring off into the distance. Her hand was wrapped around her left wrist. It was covered by her sleeves, but Phil knew what was underneath it. It made him feel sad and a little bit guilty to see this woman who seemed completely fine just a minute ago with such a devastated expression on her face. Thankfully, Esme had noticed this too and asked her to follow her into the kitchen.

As he walked towards the couch, he realized that this house was so full of pain and hurt. The ghost of this great man that held such a dear place in all of these people's hearts still lived here and Phil wished there was something he could do about it, but there simply wasn't. He never really got to see this side of the grieving process. He never got to see how long and painful the process of grieving was and how long it actually takes to make peace with losing someone. He had seen hundreds, maybe even thousands of people in the first few stages of grief at all the funerals, where they were crying their eyes out. The people at the funerals he'd been to were always hysterically sad and some people were angry, but all of them were trying to cope. He tended to forget about the fact that these stages of grief were just as bad, if not even worse than the first ones. After a person has been dead for a while, you have to move on. You have to accept that that person is gone and you have to try to get your life back on the rails again, but it's hard to move on when there's something as vital as a loved one missing in your life. You have to make peace with the fact that that hole in your heart will always be there. Some people try to fill it up with alcohol, others try to fill it up with other kinds of pleasures (that weren't really pleasures at all in the end), but in the end that hole will always be there. As much as Phil hates to say it, time and self care are basically the only cures to a wound as big as the one you're left with when you lose someone. Right now, they have to allow that scab to turn into a scar.

Phil sat down next to Dan and Dan absentmindedly placed his hand on Phil's thigh as he continued on talking to Adrian. They sat like that for a little while, until Dan's mother and aunt returned to the room with a bunch of plates. They handed all three of the boys their meals and cutlery and they sat down too. At Phil's house, this would be the moment where the tv would be turned on and nobody would say another word to each other apart from some bickering over what tv show they were going to watch, but in Dan's house the situation was entirely different. Conversation came easily and even though it was a little bit hard not to spill food on themselves as they had to eat without being sat at a dinner table, Phil had fun. Not everybody seemed to be having fun though, as 5 minutes into dinner, Adrian put his plate down with a loud bang and stormed out of the living room. This had come as a shock to everyone, as they'd all been enjoying the conversation, but once they started wondering why the boy had just ran off like that, they also realized that he hadn't said a word at all during dinner.

Esme stood up and said, "I will go check on him," but before she had time to actually exit the room, Dan stopped her and offered to go instead.

"I feel like he would rather talk to his brother than to an adult," he had said and disappeared into the hallway and up the stairs.

 

 

"Ade?" Dan called out softly and knocked on his brother's bedroom door. As expected, he didn't get a response. "I'm gonna come in now," he said and quietly pushed open the door. He found his brother there, lying face down on his bed with headphones on his head. Even though the headphones were so big, they covered his entire ears, Dan could still hear the music coming out of them from the other side of the room. He must've been really upset. Dan used to do that too and he had recognized that very same behaviour in Phil. Music was the best way to drown out your thoughts, but this also meant that Adrian hadn't heard Dan entering his room.

Dan took a few cautious steps towards the bed and touched his brother's arm softly. When he didn't get a response, he sat down on the bed. He once again touched his arm, but it was pointless, so he just took the headphones off of his brother's head instead.

"Go away," Adrian mumbled, but Dan just placed his hand on his back and rubbed softly between his shoulder blades. He knew this motion always calmed his brother down as a kid, he had seen his parents comforting him like that countless of times, and it still seemed to work as his muscles relaxed a little bit.

After five minutes of them sitting in silence and of Dan offering his brother quiet comfort, Adrian finally turned around. His eyes were puffy and glazed over and tear stains were visible on his cheeks.

"Oh, Adrian," Dan said and his voice cracked a little. He opened his arms and wrapped the younger boy up in a tight embrace. It broke his heart to see his brother in pain and to know he wasn't feeling well. Dan leaned his head against his brother's and they rocked back and forth, until Adrian finally spoke up.

"How could you guys do this? How do you just move on with your lives? How can you just sit there and laugh and be happy when dad's gone?" He said in an accusing tone. His voice was soft and hoarse and with every single crack, Dan's heart broke a little bit more. He still didn't dare look at Dan, but at least he was talking.

Dan let out a deep sigh at this and buried his face into his brother's hair. "I've been feeling guilty," he said, his voice muffled by the brown curls that were so similar to his own ones.

It was quiet for a while, until Adrian finally asked the question he'd been waiting for.

"Why?"

Dan didn't really have an answer to that. This guilt was something he'd been struggling with for a long time. Ever since he met Phil, really. He decided to try answering the question anyway.

"I've been wondering how I can live with myself. How can I smile, laugh, love, when dad is gone? Your questions, I've been thinking about them too for the longest time. I still feel like I'm not allowed to experience any positive emotions sometimes, but I try to remind myself of something Phil told me a while ago. He told me to cherish the moments in which I feel happy instead of getting angry at myself for experiencing a positive emotion during a hard time. I know it seems odd that we're just having dinner like that, and that we're smiling and laughing, but that doesn't mean we're just forgetting about dad. Hell, I literally had a breakdown in the front yard about all of this before we went inside. But, Ade, we gotta learn to make place for both the good and the bad things in our lives. This pain, it will never really go away, we just have to make room for it."

It didn't take long for him to reply to that. Dan could barely hear the words his brother spoke, as they were muffled by his shirtsleeve, but he said, "there are no good things in my life."

Dan didn't know whether he wanted to push Adrian away at those words so he could look into his eyes, or whether he wanted to pull the boy closer to his chest than he ever had before. Those words shattered his heart into hundreds of pieces and he couldn't stop the tears that filled up his eyes from rolling down his cheeks. He decided to go with the latter option and hugged Adrian as close as possible. They sat like that for minutes while Dan continuously whispered, "there are, there are, I love you, there are." Those reassurances seemed to be more for himself than for Adrian, who just allowed himself to be held, but also stayed kind of limp in his brother's arms.

When Dan had finally found the strength to speak up again, he realized that he barely could, because the lump in his throat wouldn't go away, no matter how many times he swallowed. It was like no words were good enough to be spoken in this moment. It was hard for him when his mother had ended up in the hospital, but at least he'd never had to hear her explicitly say that she thought life wasn't worth living anymore. He'd never had to endure that, he only had to be there in the aftermath of her drunken decisions. Right now, though, he was hearing such worrying words coming out of his 14-year old brother's mouth and it was awful. It made him feel sick.

Dan was looking so hard for words to say in this moment, but he didn't have any. He didn't have any genuine words to convince his brother not to give up on himself and on the world, because it would be hypocritical of him to say anything like that. He was a cynical mess himself, so how on earth was he supposed to convince another human being that life was beautiful and worth living?

"Adrian," he finally said and looked into his brother's brown eyes. It was time for him to be honest, he didn't know how to approach this situation otherwise. "I love you. I am not going to name an entire list of all the things that are worth living for, but I hope you know that things will change. Grief doesn't last forever. I know you miss dad, I do too, but he wouldn't have wanted for you and mum to think this way. You, me, mum, we're going to get through this. I am going to get you help tomorrow and it is going to change our lives, okay? We can't keep on being sad forever. We gotta focus on the things that make us happy."

Adrian looked tired. He was heavily leaning against Dan's chest and Dan knew that it was only a matter of time before he would fall asleep. He just hoped that he wouldn't be crying himself to sleep tonight. He had to try to end this night on a better note than it was on right now.

"Dan?" Adrian murmured. 

Dan hummed in reply, waiting for Adrian to ask him whatever he wanted to ask. Dan didn't have a proper answer to any of the questions about the universe, but in this moment he would do anything to try and find them. Anything to help his brother.

Adrian seemed to hesitate a little before he finally asked his question. "How did you allow yourself to care about someone new when he'll be gone one day too?"

"What do you mean?" Dan asked.

"Phil. He will die too one day, or betray you or lie to you or leave you like mum was going to. How did you open your heart up to someone new when you know they will hurt you?"

Dan's head just fell down at his little brother's words. This boy was so young yet already so cynical and he just wished there was a way for him to undo all the hurt and pain that had ever been caused to this boy, but unfortunately he'd been shaped by life. He'd been shaped by everything he'd already been through at such a young age.

"It's a risk. I honestly didn't even realize it was a risk until you said all of this. To be honest with you, Ade, I don't think I consciously chose to open up to Phil. It just happened. I felt like I could trust him, so I did. I know that it may seem like everybody has bad intentions and that nobody ever wants to do something for you purely because they're a good person, but no matter how hard this world is, I think there are still good people around. By closing your heart off and never letting anyone new in again, you'll be the one who ends up being miserable. It's hard, I know it is, but when you care about people hurt is part of the package, so even if you end up getting hurt, you can try to learn from the situation and grow stronger. In the end, it's worth it to let people in, right? It's worth it to be able to cuddle with someone, to talk to someone about nothing in particular until the sun rises once again, to laugh and play games. To enjoy life and share your grief together."

"I don't think I'm ready to let people in again..." Adrian whispered. He was clearly tired, so Dan held him a little bit closer and softly rocked back and forth.

"That's okay," Dan said and pressed a kiss to the top of his brother's head. "It's okay because tonight you let me back in for the first time in ages. This is the start of our new beginning."

 


	31. -31-

Phil was left behind in the living room with Dan's mother and aunt when Adrian had stormed off. It had been quite a while since it had happened and Dan hadn't come back yet either, so the three of them just quietly finished their dinner. When that was done, though, Phil had nothing to do anymore. He had no safety blanket anymore and the silence seemed to stretch on even longer. He had even finished drinking his glass of water as slowly as possible, just so he had an excuse not to talk while drinking it.

Eventually, Esme coughed softly and put her bowl down on the side table.

"So," she said. "How did you meet Dan? The two of you seem close, but I've never seen you around when you were younger."

Phil was a little bit hesitant to answer, but thankfully Dan's mum jumped in.

"They went to the same primary school, but Phil was one year above Dan. You remember how I used to help out at Dan's old school, right? Dan and Phil go way back to when they were kids, but I believe they've only been close for a little while." She looked at Phil for confirmation and Phil nodded eagerly. He was just really glad that he did not have to explain to Esme that he had crashed the funeral of Dan's dad, which she must have attended too. It would have made him seem weird and he was just so glad that that was not something he had to feel when he was around Dan or his family. His family seemed to actually like him, to accept him, and he was not about to screw that up by admitting he had crashed dozens of funerals in the past few years. It was just something people didn't seem to get. Phil didn't even fully understand it himself. It was just something he did. Something he used as a plaster to cover the bullet wound that was his loneliness. He hadn't felt the need to attend a funeral in quite a while now.

"Yes," Phil answered eventually. "Dan and I did know each other back then, but we became friends a few months ago."

"And the best of friends, really. Dan has barely been home since the two of you met. It reminds me of when I was young and used to sneak off to other boys' houses, but of course that was different because my goal was just to make out with them." She let out a laugh and Esme smiled back at her. The two of them seemed to recall many memories of nights on which the sisters had snuck out of the house to spend the night with boys from their past.

Phil couldn't help but blush at her statement though, because she was implying that Dan wasn't coming over to make out with him, even though Phil could confirm that was exactly what Dan was planning on doing every time he came over. He decided to correct her, because there was no reason for them to let their parents think they were just friends. Phil had decided that especially now Dan and his family were going through so much stuff, it was important for them to be honest with each other, so that's why Phil coughed and forced himself to say, "Actually we're in a relationship."

He awkwardly scratched the back of his head and looked down at his lap. He wasn't scared of her reaction, because Dan had told him that she'd always been a quite accepting and lovely woman, but his shy nature did seem to shine through on moments like this one. Eye contact was something he avoided at all costs when he spoke about himself.

The women sat across from him stopped laughing and Dan's mum raised her eyebrows in surprise. "Oh?" She said, and then burst out into a big grin.

"That's amazing, Phil! When did that happen? Have you two been out on a date yet? Dan never tells me anything!" She exclaimed and stood up. She took a few big strides towards Phil and then pulled him up, into a big hug. She didn't let go of him as quickly as she had when she had greeted him at the door just about an hour ago. This time she took her time and really held him. Phil couldn't help but feel a little bit overwhelmed by the amount of love this woman he'd only properly known for such a short while was giving him, and all he could think was how truly lucky Dan and Adrian were to have such a loving and compassionate mother. That's definitely where her boys got that aspect of their personalities from. He felt her hand rubbing his back and she squeezed him one last time before she let go of him.

After she had taken a step back, he was pulled into yet another embrace by Esme. This one wasn't as long, but it still made him smile. When he looked back at Dan's mum, he saw that she was wiping a few stray tears away.

"I'm sorry," she said and sniffled a little. "I'm just so glad that something good is finally happening to us. You're such a good boy, Phil, and I couldn't be happier for Dan. When I was in the hospital and saw the way he looked at you, I knew something more was going on. He just seemed different. Happier than he should have been. I'm glad you're making everything a little bit easier for him, taking some of that burden away from him."

Phil didn't really know how to reply to that, so he just sat back down on the couch and the two women followed, sitting on either side of him.

"Oh!" Dan's mum exclaimed. "I know this is traditionally not the mother's job, but unfortunately there's no father here to do this. That's just the way it is... But I just want to say to you that I hope you'll treat Dan with love and respect. He's obviously going through a lot right now and I hope you won't take advantage of him. Not that I think that's something you would do, but I just wanted to make sure. I don't want my boys to get hurt, you know?"

Phil looked at her and reassured her that everything was fine and that he promised he'd take care of Dan, just like Dan takes care of him. She had wrapped her arms around him again in response.

That's exactly when Dan walked into the living room again. He had a bit of a surprised expression on his face when he saw his mother embracing his boyfriend, but she'd simply always been a very affectionate person, so he just shrugged it off. At least they were getting along.

Dan's presence with his sagging shoulders and pale face immediately seemed to darken the mood in the room. When Phil noticed how defeated he looked, he walked up to him and wrapped an arm around his shoulders, allowing Dan to lean against him. Dan let out a deep sigh.

"How's Adrian doing?" Esme asked as Phil led Dan to a chair where he sat down and burrowed his face into the palms of his hands. His elbows were digging into his knees, but he didn't seem to mind. Phil sat down on the armrest, because he didn't want to be too far away from Dan when he was in such a state.

"I think he's going to have to start therapy as soon as possible." Dan answered. "He's cynical and sad. He's grieving and doesn't know how to cope properly. I don't think he can do this on his own, he needs help."

His mother just nodded. She seemed to be lost in thought, but this is exactly why Esme was here. She jumped to action and determinedly said, "I will ring some people in the morning, see what I can do to get him the help he needs as soon as possible."

Dan nodded curtly. "He's asleep now. Did a lot of crying, but eventually sleep got the best of him."

Dan was just staring off into the distance and he didn't really react when Phil softly tapped his shoulder.

"I think you should go get some rest too," Phil said to him.

Dan just nodded and took hold of Phil's hand. He led them towards the stairs, probably to his own bedroom, but Phil turned around one last time before they walked out of the living room and saw the two sisters just looking at them in awe. Phil smiled back and whispered, "goodnight."

 

Dan was tired, he really was. He had just let himself fall into his bed, on top of his covers. After some insisting from Phil, Dan finally took his jeans off to get a little bit more comfortable, but by the time Phil crawled into bed Dan was already asleep. Phil wished there was something more he could do for this boy, but in the end, words could only do so much. Sleep was usually the answer to most problems, so that's what he allowed Dan to do. Hopefully he would be able to make some more sense of things in his dreams, and if not he at least hoped that Dan would wake up feeling a little bit happier, a little bit lighter. Phil allowed himself to slip into his dreams too. _Tomorrow, things will be different,_ is what he told himself. It was true.


	32. -32-

It was a particularly warm winter day and Dan and Phil enjoyed it together, their entwined hands swinging between them as they walked down the pavement. Adrian was walking in front of them. He was quiet, but he also seemed to be doing at least a little bit better than last night. It might've been an illusion though. It is so easy to hide your feelings, or to feel okay for a little while. But feeling okay doesn't equal being okay, and feeling okay also doesn't mean all your problems magically disappear. Today, the sun was shining, but the sky was still full of dark grey clouds, ready to eclipse the sun once the wind starts blowing.

Adrian was kicking some stones while Dan and Phil chit-chatted behind him. They were on their way to the graveyard. The house had been a bit hectic, with Esme researching what to do and who to call in order to get Adrian appropriate help, so she had asked Dan and Phil to take Adrian out, to go do something fun with him. They had had dinner at a cute Chinese restaurant in their town and even though Adrian had been quite chatty and seemingly happy during dinner, he had asked Dan and Phil if they could go to the cemetery after dinner. Dan saw no reason to disagree and thought that denying his little brother of this request would do more harm than good, so after Phil had made a quick stop at the florist's to buy some flowers they could lay on the grave, the boys were on their way to the town's infamous graveyard. It only took a short while for them to arrive at the black gates and they entered the property, which thankfully was always open to visitors. It was quiet, which wasn't a surprise, because it was already getting a little bit dark, and Dan definitely appreciated the solitude at the graveyard. He'd never been one to cry in front of strangers, so he tended to visit the cemetery at night anyway.

Thankfully, all of that was possible. The graveyard was more like a big park than a typical graveyard, which tended to look like fields littered with headstones. One of the reasons why Phil liked coming here so much was partly because this graveyard was so pretty. It didn't really have that eerie feeling to it like other graveyards did. Of course he didn't want to romanticize the ground where literally hundreds of dead bodies were buried, but the meandering paths and forest-y feeling definitely made the place stand out to him. It made the graveyard feel more like a place where you could go to retreat when you were in need of a bit of peace and quiet.

When they finally arrived at the grave of their father, Dan let go of Phil's hand and walked up to Adrian. He placed his hand on his shoulder and squeezed, hoping that the touch would offer his little brother as much comfort as it gave Dan. They stood there in silence for a few minutes and for some reason, Dan didn't feel more connected to his deceased dad now he was literally standing directly in front of the ground where he had been buried. The tombstone, which had cost his family a fortune, didn't offer him any comfort either. His mum had insisted on buying one, seeing as she definitely found comfort in the idea of having something physical to mark where her husband was. Some place she could visit when she missed him. Something that would ensure his rememberance after his death, something that still allowed strangers to get to know this man, even though he wasn't alive anymore.

This was exactly why Dan didn't care much for the marble stone. The words 'beloved father to his two sons', were engraved in it too and for some reason, that only made him feel more disconnected from the man who was lying six feet under the soil he was standing on. Why should a reference to him be engraved on this stone? If it was because Dan was someone his father had loved, then why wasn't a more vivid explanation of the things he loved engraved on this stone? His father had loved the kind of gross and sticky cookies Adrian and Dan used to bake, because they had made them with love, and his father loved to read the newspaper on saturday morning and he loved driving for hours on end, and he loved giving Dan and Adrian haircuts when they were younger. These were the things that defined his dad in Dan's mind, so why on earth had his mother settled for a description as meaningless as saying he had been loved? Of course he was loved, everybody is loved in one way or another. To Dan, what mattered was _why_ he was loved, and what he had loved, because the things that had made him so beloved in his lifetime were the things that had defined his dad. Those were the things that made him who he was.

Maybe, Dan thought, the reason why he still liked to visit the graveyard when he was missing his dad, despite the fact that he didn't really care for the tombstone and grave itself, was because his dad would have loved this place. Not because so many people were buried here, of course, that was a huge downside, but his dad would have loved the meandering paths which made a soft crunchy sound when you walked down them. He would have loved the trees and the endless fields of green grass and he definitely would have taught Dan something about all the flowers that were visible all around him here. Dan would have pretended not to care, he would have pretended to be annoyed, which he kind of was when his dad told him yet another seemingly useless fact, but if he hadn't done that, Dan wouldn't have known that the Drummond Phlox flowers he could spot to his left were originally from Texas. He could remember his dad while walking around this graveyard, he didn't need a superficial tombstone to do that, so he turned his back to the grave. He didn't really feel like looking at the empty words that were engraved in the stone anymore.

Phil, who had been standing about a meter away from them also tore his eyes from the grave. He raised his eyebrows at Dan, as if to ask him what he wanted to do now, since it didn't look like he wanted to spend any more time at the grave.

Exactly at that moment, Adrian turned to them and said, "Can I be alone with dad for a little while, please? I want to talk to him about some things..."

Dan nodded at his brother and Phil walked up to him to hand him the flowers he had bought. Adrian thanked him and knelt in front of the grave, with his back to the others, and whispered something before putting the flowers down. 

Dan took a hold of Phil's arm and pulled him away from the grave. He wanted to give Adrian some privacy, as talking to the grave did seem to be the way in which he wanted to grieve. They walked for a while, Dan leading the way, until they arrived at a quiet spot in the very corner of the cemetery. There weren't many graves here, so Dan didn't feel the need to be too cautious when he crashed down in the grass. It took a few seconds for Phil to catch up with him, and when Dan saw him walking up to him he couldn't help but smile.

"Phil!" He called out, stretching out the name. "You got me a flower too?"

Phil sat down in front of Dan and took his right hand in his, brushing his thumb along the back of it, before handing Dan the single lily. "I know it's a little bit strange to give you a flower from a bouquet that I got for your father's grave, but I thought this one was so pretty, I wanted to give it to you."

"It really is pretty," Dan said and sniffed the flower. He stared at the beautiful white petals and all of a sudden he was overcome by emotions. A tear escaped his eye and fell down his nose, dripping down on his leg. Phil noticed and gave his hand a soft squeeze.

"Are you okay?" He asked, his voice sounding sincere. He was quiet for a while before backtracking on everything he'd done. He loosened his grip on Dan's hand and said, "I shouldn't have given you a flower while we're at the graveyard, I guess it was kind of inappropriate for me to do something romantic like that when we came here to look at a grave... I'm so sorry, Dan."

Dan just shook his head and wiped the single tear away. "No, no, Phil, don't worry," he assured. "You didn't do anything wrong. I guess I was just thinking about how something so amazing came out of something so awful. A while ago I was here to say goodbye to my dad for the very last time and now I'm sitting here, in the very same field, sniffing a beautiful lily that my boyfriend gave to me. Isn't that funny?"

Phil chuckled softly and smiled up at Dan. 

"Yeah, I guess it is. I don't believe in fate, but I do agree that things worked out pretty well for us."

Dan crawled over to Phil and put his head on his shoulder. Things had worked out well for them, he thought as the two of them sat there in silence, Phil's hand softly stroking Dan's leg. 

 

After a while Adrian had come to find them. He didn't exactly look sad, but you could definitely tell that he wasn't feeling too well. His eyebrows were furrowed and he was leaning forward a little with sagging shoulders. His posture seemed to reveal more about his mood than his face did nowadays. 

"I'm gonna go home," he said softly, a crack audible in his voice.

Dan was about to stand up to join his little brother when he told him not to.

"No, it's fine Dan. I'd rather be alone right now."

Dan felt a bit torn about this. He knew what it was like to want to be alone, he himself was a grieving teenager too, but after the events of last night he didn't feel too sure about letting his brother walk home all by himself.

On the other hand, suffocating him with attention and affection wouldn't do him any good either and if he was going to do something stupid, it didn't really make a difference if he was outside or alone in his room, so Dan agreed reluctantly.

"Promise me you'll text me the second you get home, okay? That should be in about 15 minutes. I'll also be asking mum for a confirmation that you're home, alright?"

Adrian agreed with a nod and a roll of his eyes, but didn't leave before waving at Dan and Phil. Things like this, Adrian leaving in annoyance but not before happily waving his brother goodbye, are things that reminded Dan of the fact that despite everything that had happened, Adrian was still a child. He was an old soul for sure, but he was also still Dan's baby brother.

This left Dan and Phil all by themselves at the quiet graveyard. 

"Should we leave too?" Phil asked, but Dan declined as he looked up at the sky and saw that the sun was setting. The trees in front of them were outlined in orange and red and pink and it was a breathtaking sight. 

"Wow..." Phil muttered and his mouth hung open a little as he took in the gorgeous view. Dan wondered if the sky was just something that fascinated Phil endlessly. He had known a whole lot about the stars, so to see him so stunned at the sky made him wonder if there was more to his love for the sky than simply the pretty colours it was painted right now.

As the sun slowly crept down the horizon, Dan's gaze kept being pulled back to Phil's sunlit face. The sky was starting to turn a dark blue colour and the stars had come out behind them, but the last gorgeous rays of sun still painted Phil's cheeks a rosy red colour and the light gave the boy a kind of indescribable ethereal glow. Dan couldn't seem to tear his eyes away from him. His freckles, which had paled during the cold season, were still visible from this proximity and Phil's lips seemed extremely soft and appealing as he was smiling up at the sky. He looked extremely soft and it was making Dan feel all kinds of ways.

"That was amazing, by far the prettie- Whoah!" Phil exclaimed as Dan tackled him. He just hadn't been able to control himself and he allowed himself to be a bit more spontaneous. He wanted to feel alive tonight.

"What are you doing?" Phil asked, giggling. Dan had started peppering his face with kisses and Phil had to admit that he was enjoying it, but he made Dan stop nonetheless. 

"Daniel! Don't you think this is a little bit inappropriate to do at a graveyard?"

Dan just shrugged his shoulders and pinned Phil down on the cold grass. "If you think that was inappropriate, just wait for what's about to come..." He said, his voice quite rough and low all of a sudden.

Phil was surprised at the sudden change of mood, but before he could reconsider the pros and cons of making out with his boyfriend in a graveyard, Dan had already pressed another kiss to his lips.

"You alright?" He asked quietly, giving Phil an opportunity to back out if he wanted to, but Phil just nodded and leaned up, capturing Dan's lips in a kiss, surprising both Dan and himself with this action. He wasn't that experienced, but what better way to learn than to just do it? At first, the kiss was small and soft, but as Phil allowed Dan to take the lead, the kiss grew hungrier and more intense. Dan, who had been sitting in a bit of an awkward position after tackling Phil, briefly ended the kiss to change positions and hover over Phil. This gave Phil a second to catch his breath and calm his racing heartbeat. It was no use, though, as Dan's new position felt even more intimate than the one they were in before.

Dan let his hand glide over Phil's cheek and allowed his thumb to softly brush over Phil's lips while staring deeply into Phil's blue eyes, which looked so trusting and full of admiration, or maybe something else they weren't ready to discuss yet.

"You're blushing," he said. It was more of an observation than an accusation, and Dan couldn't stop the smile from spreading over his face before leaning down and letting his lips graze over Phil's again, eventually allowing them to move together. Phil's lips were surprisingly warm, which was a nice contrast to the cold winter air that was surrounding them. He didn't think he could ever get enough of the way Phil felt, the way Phil tasted, so he decided to take this a little bit further. 

The tip of Dan's tongue brushed against Phil's lips and Phil opened to let him in, shivering slightly. Dan wondered if it was because of the cold grass they were lying on or because of the sensation of their kiss, but either way Phil seemed to enjoy it as he kissed Dan back, seeming to pick up on all of this pretty fast. He let out a soft noise and moved his hand up to Dan's neck, pulling their bodies just a little bit closer together. Dan had kissed quite a few people before Phil, but none of them compared to this boy - This boy who was so different from anyone he'd ever met before. This boy, who had a mind that was so incomprehensible yet so intriguing, Dan couldn't help but try to figure everything about him out. He was an enigma, so mysterious yet so familiar at the same time. Dan wanted to unravel him, get to know every single thing about him. Nobody had ever made Dan feel this way before. Never would he have thought of making out with a boy in a graveyard, but Phil seemed to erase everything he thought he knew about himself. Making out with a pretty boy in a graveyard should feel so wrong, but somehow nothing he had ever done in his life has felt as right as this. Being right here, living in the moment and enjoying himself. As he was figuring out who Phil was, he had to rediscover himself too, all because of this one boy. This boy, who was so warm and beautiful, lying underneath him...

Phil ran his hand down Dan's side and they made the kiss even deeper, even more passionate, and that warmth that Phil was radiating was now shared between the two of them. Dan couldn't help himself when he slowly grinded his body against Phil's, who let out a mesmerizing moan. It was a sound Dan could hear for the rest of his life and he still wouldn't get tired of it. It was so hot, so nobody could blame him for repeating his actions just to hear that sound again. Dan felt like his body had set afire as his skin tingled where Phil was moving against him. Phil's tongue brushing his own, his fingers starting to tangle in his curls, soft moans escaping both of their mouths, it was all so perfect...

But then, they were rudely interrupted by the sound of Dan's phone ringing loudly and obnoxiously into the night. Phil pulled away and propped himself up on his elbows, allowing Dan to climb off of him. 

"Shit," he said as he saw at least 20 minutes had passed since Adrian had left. His mum was ringing him and he coughed a few times before finally answering the phone. He didn't want to risk sounding all raspy and giving away what he had been doing mere seconds before answering his phone to talk to his mother.

It had been no use, as his voice still came out kind of croaky.

"Hey mum, is Ade alright?"

" _Yeah, he's fine, he came home a few minutes ago,_ " she answered. " _I was just wondering where you and Phil are? Are you coming home tonight or are you staying at his place?_ "

Dan looked at Phil, mouthing the question to him. Phil, who had been straightening out his clothes, replied by saying, "Dan, you've got school tomorrow..."

Dan rolled his eyes at Phil. Why would he care about school when they could spend the night at his place and have some more fun? 

" _Did I just hear Phil saying you've got school tomorrow? You really chose a nice, responsible boy, didn't you?_ "

"Yeah..." Dan sighed. "That's something I'm totally regretting now." He sent Phil a cheeky smile. Even though Phil didn't know what Dan's mum had said, Phil could guess what she had said that would get that kind of response from Dan, so he elbowed Dan's side in a joking way.

" _So, you're coming home tonight?_ " She asked.

"Yeah, we'll be back soon, don't worry mum."

" _Can't help it, I'm your mother,_ " she chuckled. " _See you soon, darling. Be safe!_ "

Dan said goodbye to his mother and immediately let out a deep sigh after putting his phone back into his pocket. 

"You really know how to ruin the hot mood, don't you? Pssh, talking about school after we were making out. Way to kill a hard-on, Phil."

"Oh come on!" Phil exclaimed and teasingly poked Dan's side again. "Don't blame me for killing your boner when your mum was the one who called us and interrupted us."

"Yeah," Dan giggled and pushed himself up from the cold grass, "You got me there."

He stretched out his legs, the heat from before seeming to be gone completely. His muscles felt cold and sore and he was cursing himself for not bringing gloves with him when it was this cold. Phil seemed to be in a similar state, wrapped up in a bit of a ball, protecting himself from the cold wind. He was in an even worse situation than Dan, because he was wearing a pair of ripped jeans and a way too thin denim jacket. 

Dan picked the lily up from the ground and stretched his hand out to Phil, who reluctantly removed his own hands from his pockets and took a hold of Dan's hand, allowing himself to be pulled up. 

"I would huddle against you for warmth," Dan said, "But I think it's time for us to go home, wrap ourselves up in some nice, warm blankets. Let's go."

And the two of them were on their way again. Once again walking down the long paths of the graveyards, past countless of tombstones and eventually arriving at the most familiar one of all. 

"This is where I found you crying that one night... Who would have thought that we'd go from sobbing at the cemetery to snogging at the cemetery?"

"Phil!" Dan yelled and accusingly bumped his shoulder into the guy. 

"What? You're the one who suggested we should go do that!" He said and smiled brightly, his tongue poking out from in between his teeth. Dan couldn't help but smile back at the sight of that.

"You were just Phil the Funeral Crasher to me back then, isn't that strange?"

Phil's smile faded and he furrowed his eyebrows in confusion. "Well, that's still who I am, right?"

Dan was quiet for a while, before replying, "Yeah, you're still the funeral crasher, but you're so much more than that. To me, you're just Phil now."

"'Just Phil', eh? That doesn't sound like an upgrade, he sounds like kind of an average guy."

"Oh, believe me," Dan said as they walked off the graveyard and were on their way home, "He's anything but average..."

 


End file.
